This feels like “directional advice”, which is excellent for some people, and terrible for others. Which category they fall into depends on their starting point. If you’re socially anxious but basically well-meaning, this advice will help. If you’re already self-centered, this advice will make you incredibly obnoxious.
When I was much younger, it took me a long time to figure out dating. But the one thing that clicked for me was realizing that trying to make people like me was pointless. They had probably made their minds up almost immediately, and I had no control over that. But I also realized that there were people who were interested in me. My job was to do two things:
Recognize signals of interest, and
Respond encouragingly, and put the ball back in their court. Ideally, I wanted to communicate two things: “Your attention is welcome”, and “The next move is totally in your hands.”
This isn’t quite the classic male gender role in dating. Zvi had an essay the other day about how it was the woman’s job to set up the “room”, and the man’s job to “read the room” and actually move the process forward. But meh, that’s not my thing. I wasn’t going to take the active role at every single step. I wanted a dance where both people participated. I could learn to read subtle and indirect signals, and I could return them in a very slightly less subtle but still deniable way, and make it a game of back and forth. And yes, this acted as a filter, and it meant I only ever dated women who took steps to get what they wanted. But that’s my type.
But a key part of all this was realizing that I neither had nor wanted any control over how the other “player” in the game would react. If someone wasn’t interested (and the median person wasn’t!), no worries. My job was to meet enough people, and learn to read signals well enough, to find someone who was interested in a “game of mutual attraction.” And the nice thing is that when the other person was trying to make things happen, they’d smooth over any minor mistakes on my end. I just needed to avoid panicking and accidentally freezing them out, lol. It turns out that trying to send the message, “I don’t want to be too familiar and make it weird” often sends the message “Ugh, you’re creeping me out, please back off.”
For better or worse, however, a huge portion of the “game of mutual interest” seems to happen in body language and facial expression. And bolder moves often work best when they offer the other person a choice: “Here’s an easy way to step forward,” and “Here’s a graceful way to step back that I’m deliberately leaving open for you.” Humor can help!
And of course, this can apply outside of dating. Being confident enough to let a single interaction fall through, and doing it gracefully, helps in the business world, and in many other areas of life. You can’t make everyone like you, and many people will never be interested in what you’re offering. But it’s a big world.
This feels like “directional advice”, which is excellent for some people, and terrible for others. Which category they fall into depends on their starting point. If you’re socially anxious but basically well-meaning, this advice will help. If you’re already self-centered, this advice will make you incredibly obnoxious.
When I was much younger, it took me a long time to figure out dating. But the one thing that clicked for me was realizing that trying to make people like me was pointless. They had probably made their minds up almost immediately, and I had no control over that. But I also realized that there were people who were interested in me. My job was to do two things:
Recognize signals of interest, and
Respond encouragingly, and put the ball back in their court. Ideally, I wanted to communicate two things: “Your attention is welcome”, and “The next move is totally in your hands.”
This isn’t quite the classic male gender role in dating. Zvi had an essay the other day about how it was the woman’s job to set up the “room”, and the man’s job to “read the room” and actually move the process forward. But meh, that’s not my thing. I wasn’t going to take the active role at every single step. I wanted a dance where both people participated. I could learn to read subtle and indirect signals, and I could return them in a very slightly less subtle but still deniable way, and make it a game of back and forth. And yes, this acted as a filter, and it meant I only ever dated women who took steps to get what they wanted. But that’s my type.
But a key part of all this was realizing that I neither had nor wanted any control over how the other “player” in the game would react. If someone wasn’t interested (and the median person wasn’t!), no worries. My job was to meet enough people, and learn to read signals well enough, to find someone who was interested in a “game of mutual attraction.” And the nice thing is that when the other person was trying to make things happen, they’d smooth over any minor mistakes on my end. I just needed to avoid panicking and accidentally freezing them out, lol. It turns out that trying to send the message, “I don’t want to be too familiar and make it weird” often sends the message “Ugh, you’re creeping me out, please back off.”
For better or worse, however, a huge portion of the “game of mutual interest” seems to happen in body language and facial expression. And bolder moves often work best when they offer the other person a choice: “Here’s an easy way to step forward,” and “Here’s a graceful way to step back that I’m deliberately leaving open for you.” Humor can help!
And of course, this can apply outside of dating. Being confident enough to let a single interaction fall through, and doing it gracefully, helps in the business world, and in many other areas of life. You can’t make everyone like you, and many people will never be interested in what you’re offering. But it’s a big world.