That’s a beautiful story. I want to comment on it in the third person, since I don’t know you well enough to respond to you personally.
This is what storytelling without the illusion of a unitary self looks like. It starts with a conscious decision — an experiment in romance — that quickly spirals out of control. Several desires come into conflict, and the consensus on running an “experiment” no longer exists. Some of the desires are labelled “irrational”, but they manage to make themselves heard anyway. At a critical juncture it is the desire not to hurt the boy, and the fear of not living up to expectations, and no doubt some other things besides, that cause the relationship to proceed.
Eventually, the mind notes that personal growth has happened. There is more emotional self-awareness now, and there are skills pertaining to romantic relationships that weren’t there before. The conscious mind, in its role as PR office, declares the experiment a success. The success was due more to a fortuitous confluence of different desires than to a unitary desire to be stronger. But that is true of everyone’s accomplishments. In this case, the conscious mind has decided to appropriate the outcome of the relationship as an achievement, and in doing so reclaims its locus of control.
Several desires come into conflict, and the consensus on running an “experiment” no longer exists. Some of the desires are labelled “irrational”, but they manage to make themselves heard anyway.
That’s a beautiful story. I want to comment on it in the third person, since I don’t know you well enough to respond to you personally.
This is what storytelling without the illusion of a unitary self looks like. It starts with a conscious decision — an experiment in romance — that quickly spirals out of control. Several desires come into conflict, and the consensus on running an “experiment” no longer exists. Some of the desires are labelled “irrational”, but they manage to make themselves heard anyway. At a critical juncture it is the desire not to hurt the boy, and the fear of not living up to expectations, and no doubt some other things besides, that cause the relationship to proceed.
Eventually, the mind notes that personal growth has happened. There is more emotional self-awareness now, and there are skills pertaining to romantic relationships that weren’t there before. The conscious mind, in its role as PR office, declares the experiment a success. The success was due more to a fortuitous confluence of different desires than to a unitary desire to be stronger. But that is true of everyone’s accomplishments. In this case, the conscious mind has decided to appropriate the outcome of the relationship as an achievement, and in doing so reclaims its locus of control.
That’s exactly what it felt like, too.