Speaking only for myself, yes that’s basically right. Non-monogamous behavior is evidence in favor of several bad hypotheses, but only some of which would make me mad or want to break up. Split and Commit. Things that it would be evidence of:
Dealbreaker:
She doesn’t want to be committed to me any more
Mad but not necessarily a dealbreaker over a long marriage if we can work it out:
She wants to remain committed to me but is having some problem with our sex life and is too scared/embarrassed/confused to talk to me about it
She wants to remain committed to me but has developed serious issues estimating and/or controlling her voluntary alcohol (or other drug) use
We had a serious miscommunication and she honestly but unreasonably thought I had told her I was OK with whatever she did
Not mad:
She’s suffering from some kind of medical condition that causes her to act uncharacteristically or be otherwise unable to control her behavior
She was the victim of some severe psychological or chemical manipulation
She was suffering from physical duress/threat
We had a serious miscommunication and, on reflection, I think it’s my fault—the most reasonable interpretation of my words/acts in retrospect was that I had told her I was OK with whatever she did, even though that’s not what I meant
She didn’t actually cheat at all but circumstances conspired to nonetheless lead to strong appearances in favor of a cheat hypothesis
So if I were to get some strong evidence that my wife cheated, I would want to try to collect some more evidence that would differentiate which of these nine realms (or are there others?) that we are in.
Would you say that the ultimate purpose of wanting monogamy is still for the object-level “because I don’t want my partner to behave in that way”? Or has it transcended that completely? Perhaps “Well, this is just how relationships work, to my mind, and I don’t want to change that; and meanwhile, given that this is how my current relationship works, that is a framework by which I’ll judge my partner’s behavior”? Perhaps even “I don’t care about the behavior itself at all anymore [apart from direct causal effects like STDs], but people with the monogamy module usually have better self-control, maturity, and other desirable qualities, so I’m happy to stick with it and consciously endorse that strategy”?
I...am honestly not sure. Probably mix of all? But i see the “probably not a dealbreaker” category as in the nature of “we all sometimes hurt each other, this hurts a lot, but it doesn’t necessarily outweigh all the good years and forgiveness is possible”—not like it doesn’t matter
Speaking only for myself, yes that’s basically right. Non-monogamous behavior is evidence in favor of several bad hypotheses, but only some of which would make me mad or want to break up. Split and Commit. Things that it would be evidence of:
Dealbreaker:
She doesn’t want to be committed to me any more
Mad but not necessarily a dealbreaker over a long marriage if we can work it out:
She wants to remain committed to me but is having some problem with our sex life and is too scared/embarrassed/confused to talk to me about it
She wants to remain committed to me but has developed serious issues estimating and/or controlling her voluntary alcohol (or other drug) use
We had a serious miscommunication and she honestly but unreasonably thought I had told her I was OK with whatever she did
Not mad:
She’s suffering from some kind of medical condition that causes her to act uncharacteristically or be otherwise unable to control her behavior
She was the victim of some severe psychological or chemical manipulation
She was suffering from physical duress/threat
We had a serious miscommunication and, on reflection, I think it’s my fault—the most reasonable interpretation of my words/acts in retrospect was that I had told her I was OK with whatever she did, even though that’s not what I meant
She didn’t actually cheat at all but circumstances conspired to nonetheless lead to strong appearances in favor of a cheat hypothesis
So if I were to get some strong evidence that my wife cheated, I would want to try to collect some more evidence that would differentiate which of these nine realms (or are there others?) that we are in.
I see, that makes sense.
Would you say that the ultimate purpose of wanting monogamy is still for the object-level “because I don’t want my partner to behave in that way”? Or has it transcended that completely? Perhaps “Well, this is just how relationships work, to my mind, and I don’t want to change that; and meanwhile, given that this is how my current relationship works, that is a framework by which I’ll judge my partner’s behavior”? Perhaps even “I don’t care about the behavior itself at all anymore [apart from direct causal effects like STDs], but people with the monogamy module usually have better self-control, maturity, and other desirable qualities, so I’m happy to stick with it and consciously endorse that strategy”?
I...am honestly not sure. Probably mix of all? But i see the “probably not a dealbreaker” category as in the nature of “we all sometimes hurt each other, this hurts a lot, but it doesn’t necessarily outweigh all the good years and forgiveness is possible”—not like it doesn’t matter
This is an excellent breakdown of what I tried to articulate regarding “filling in assumptions in a hypothetical”