I think the big thing to remember is that the meaning of something isn’t the dictionary definitions of the words combined with the rules of syntax. If someone asks you what you though of a play, wanting to know what you thought of them, and you know this, saying “the acting was bad” is intentionally misinterpreting their question. It is an example of lying with truth.
I would expect someone who presses me for an answer would actually want to know the answer, but maybe I just have bad social skills.
There is one thing I dislike about lying. It’s considered rude to tell the truth in certain situations, because it signals that you don’t care about that person, because people who care lie, because people who care don’t want to appear rude. If people didn’t try to signal, things would be better off, but if you lie, you’re not only signalling that you care, you’re increasing the need everyone else has to signal. You’re making things more confusing for other people. It’s basically a large-scale prisoner’s dilemma. It’s like talking in a noisy room, where the other person can hear you if you speak up, but that just makes it noisier for everyone else.
The solution to the noisy room problem is to either pass notes, or lean over and speak at a low-to-normal volume as close as reasonably possible to the intended listener’s ear. Alternative communication channels and building up trust/intimacy can be generalized to some, though probably not all, other versions of the problem.
Pressing for an answer could also mean you’ve said approximately the right thing, but your tone and phrasing didn’t convey a sufficient degree of conviction, or that you’ve said something wrong-but-not-unconscionable and they’re giving you a chance to retry. (I do not like “guess culture” very much.)
There is one thing I dislike about lying. It’s considered rude to tell the truth in certain situations, because it signals that you don’t care about that person, because people who care lie, because people who care don’t want to appear rude
This is something I also struggled with for a long time and I’m definitely sure it was because I had (or probably still have) poor social skills. The thing I started to notice was that people might seem to be asking a question, but that question is really just a proxy for another question. It’s like people were communicating at two different levels. Like the stereotypical asking a girl to get coffee at 2am; the guy isn’t literally asking the girl if she wants coffee, and everyone knows this, and to answer as though he’s literally asking for coffee is demonstrating poor social skills. If the girl says yes to the coffee suggestion, she’s actually “lying” because she doesn’t want coffee, but wants the implication of what the guy is asking for when he suggests coffee.
If a friend asks me what I thought about a poem she wrote, she might be asking me literally about the poem, or she might be asking some other underlying question like her worth as a person or something else, using the poem as a proxy for that question. Giving my honest opinion about the poem might be, to her, me giving my honest opinion about her underlying question.
The thing I started to notice was that people might seem to be asking a question, but that question is really just a proxy for another question. It’s like people were communicating at two different levels.
Yep. People do communicate on multiple levels. Yes, different levels can say different things or even contradict each other. Yes, part of “social skills” is the ability to manage multiple-level communications. Yes, women are much better at that than guys. Yes, it’s complicated.
I think the big thing to remember is that the meaning of something isn’t the dictionary definitions of the words combined with the rules of syntax. If someone asks you what you though of a play, wanting to know what you thought of them, and you know this, saying “the acting was bad” is intentionally misinterpreting their question. It is an example of lying with truth.
Yes, understanding the question being asked is important.
“What did you think of the play” does not necessarily mean “what was your entire critical view of the play?” It could mean “what encouragement can you offer me?”
I would expect someone who presses me for an answer would actually want to know the answer, but maybe I just have bad social skills.
Alternatively, it could be the other person who made a failure of social skills: they sounded like they were pressing for your entire opinion, when they actually intended to be asking for encouragement, and they did a bad job of communicating what they wanted.
Alternatively, it could be the other person who made a failure of social skills: they sounded like they were pressing for your entire opinion, when they actually intended to be asking for encouragement, and they did a bad job of communicating what they wanted.
Hard to say which, given that what it sounds like isn’t an inherent property of what they’re saying. I guess you just have to compare it to what’s normal.
I think the big thing to remember is that the meaning of something isn’t the dictionary definitions of the words combined with the rules of syntax. If someone asks you what you though of a play, wanting to know what you thought of them, and you know this, saying “the acting was bad” is intentionally misinterpreting their question. It is an example of lying with truth.
I would expect someone who presses me for an answer would actually want to know the answer, but maybe I just have bad social skills.
There is one thing I dislike about lying. It’s considered rude to tell the truth in certain situations, because it signals that you don’t care about that person, because people who care lie, because people who care don’t want to appear rude. If people didn’t try to signal, things would be better off, but if you lie, you’re not only signalling that you care, you’re increasing the need everyone else has to signal. You’re making things more confusing for other people. It’s basically a large-scale prisoner’s dilemma. It’s like talking in a noisy room, where the other person can hear you if you speak up, but that just makes it noisier for everyone else.
The solution to the noisy room problem is to either pass notes, or lean over and speak at a low-to-normal volume as close as reasonably possible to the intended listener’s ear. Alternative communication channels and building up trust/intimacy can be generalized to some, though probably not all, other versions of the problem.
Pressing for an answer could also mean you’ve said approximately the right thing, but your tone and phrasing didn’t convey a sufficient degree of conviction, or that you’ve said something wrong-but-not-unconscionable and they’re giving you a chance to retry. (I do not like “guess culture” very much.)
This is something I also struggled with for a long time and I’m definitely sure it was because I had (or probably still have) poor social skills. The thing I started to notice was that people might seem to be asking a question, but that question is really just a proxy for another question. It’s like people were communicating at two different levels. Like the stereotypical asking a girl to get coffee at 2am; the guy isn’t literally asking the girl if she wants coffee, and everyone knows this, and to answer as though he’s literally asking for coffee is demonstrating poor social skills. If the girl says yes to the coffee suggestion, she’s actually “lying” because she doesn’t want coffee, but wants the implication of what the guy is asking for when he suggests coffee.
If a friend asks me what I thought about a poem she wrote, she might be asking me literally about the poem, or she might be asking some other underlying question like her worth as a person or something else, using the poem as a proxy for that question. Giving my honest opinion about the poem might be, to her, me giving my honest opinion about her underlying question.
Yep. People do communicate on multiple levels. Yes, different levels can say different things or even contradict each other. Yes, part of “social skills” is the ability to manage multiple-level communications. Yes, women are much better at that than guys. Yes, it’s complicated.
:-)
Yes, understanding the question being asked is important.
“What did you think of the play” does not necessarily mean “what was your entire critical view of the play?” It could mean “what encouragement can you offer me?”
Alternatively, it could be the other person who made a failure of social skills: they sounded like they were pressing for your entire opinion, when they actually intended to be asking for encouragement, and they did a bad job of communicating what they wanted.
Hard to say which, given that what it sounds like isn’t an inherent property of what they’re saying. I guess you just have to compare it to what’s normal.