This post was engaging enough to read in full, which I consider to be fairly high praise.
However, I think that it’s lacking in some respects, namely:
I don’t really see a central point or theme other than “What if creation myths were actually aliens?” which isn’t enough to justify something of this length on its own. Unless the narrator is meant to be wrong about humanity, in which case it needs to be signaled more clearly.
Quite a bit of the narrative is full of details and information that don’t seem to contribute apart from being a reference to ancient civilizations or myths. This isn’t inherently an issue but it got a little excessive.
The timeline of events is rather odd. The surface-dwellers apparently had garments before Shaitan even visited them for the first time, but apparently in the habitat they didn’t have any clothes until after they ate the fruit.
I appreciate your readership and insights. Some of these challenges have answers, some were just oversights on my part.
1. The central theme was about having the courage to reject an all powerful authority on moral grounds even if it means eternal torment, rather than endlessly rationalize and defend its wrongdoing out of fear. “Are you a totalitarian follower who receives morality from authority figures or are you able to determine right and wrong on your own despite pressure to conform” is the real moral test of the Bible, in this story, rather than being a test of obedience and self denial.
2. Many ancient cultures have myths about intelligent reptiles or sea people who taught them mathematics, astronomy and medicine, as well as what could be construed as UFOs. It isn’t necessary to the plot, you’re right of course, but it’s there for world building.
3. The breeding pair brought to the habitat had their memories erased. I intended this to mean they were reverted to a nearly feral state, but I suppose it’s still in question how much they would forget, if they did not forget language and need to reinvent it. This could probably have used more thought.
courage to reject an all powerful authority on moral grounds
This was the most interesting part of the whole story to me, and it’s an angle I haven’t quite seen in this type of story before. However, I think it was in competition with the personalities of Elohim and Shaitan. They felt too petty and talking-past-each-other to make sense as people from an enlightened race. Maybe if their “conflict” was also a pre-planned part of their strategy, instead of a squabble?
The cultural and literary references didn’t bother me, but they did mean that by the end of the first few paragraphs I was like, “Oh okay, we’re doing an Erich von Daniken/Assasin’s Creed/Prometheus,” and then everything played out about how I expected.
I wanted a few more surprises, I think. At first it felt like maybe the main characters were far-future humans, and maybe it would have been fun to let that possibility linger for longer. Or just focus in more on the central theme and how it could subvert and/or support the Ancient Aliens narrative.
But I did enjoy reading it! Got me visualizing some neat things.
This post was engaging enough to read in full, which I consider to be fairly high praise.
However, I think that it’s lacking in some respects, namely:
I don’t really see a central point or theme other than “What if creation myths were actually aliens?” which isn’t enough to justify something of this length on its own. Unless the narrator is meant to be wrong about humanity, in which case it needs to be signaled more clearly.
Quite a bit of the narrative is full of details and information that don’t seem to contribute apart from being a reference to ancient civilizations or myths. This isn’t inherently an issue but it got a little excessive.
The timeline of events is rather odd. The surface-dwellers apparently had garments before Shaitan even visited them for the first time, but apparently in the habitat they didn’t have any clothes until after they ate the fruit.
I appreciate your readership and insights. Some of these challenges have answers, some were just oversights on my part.
1. The central theme was about having the courage to reject an all powerful authority on moral grounds even if it means eternal torment, rather than endlessly rationalize and defend its wrongdoing out of fear. “Are you a totalitarian follower who receives morality from authority figures or are you able to determine right and wrong on your own despite pressure to conform” is the real moral test of the Bible, in this story, rather than being a test of obedience and self denial.
2. Many ancient cultures have myths about intelligent reptiles or sea people who taught them mathematics, astronomy and medicine, as well as what could be construed as UFOs. It isn’t necessary to the plot, you’re right of course, but it’s there for world building.
3. The breeding pair brought to the habitat had their memories erased. I intended this to mean they were reverted to a nearly feral state, but I suppose it’s still in question how much they would forget, if they did not forget language and need to reinvent it. This could probably have used more thought.
This was the most interesting part of the whole story to me, and it’s an angle I haven’t quite seen in this type of story before. However, I think it was in competition with the personalities of Elohim and Shaitan. They felt too petty and talking-past-each-other to make sense as people from an enlightened race. Maybe if their “conflict” was also a pre-planned part of their strategy, instead of a squabble?
The cultural and literary references didn’t bother me, but they did mean that by the end of the first few paragraphs I was like, “Oh okay, we’re doing an Erich von Daniken/Assasin’s Creed/Prometheus,” and then everything played out about how I expected.
I wanted a few more surprises, I think. At first it felt like maybe the main characters were far-future humans, and maybe it would have been fun to let that possibility linger for longer. Or just focus in more on the central theme and how it could subvert and/or support the Ancient Aliens narrative.
But I did enjoy reading it! Got me visualizing some neat things.