To me, and I’m not a medical/social work professional, this looks like regular Depression. You allude to your diagnosis, but not your treatment. Are you getting treatment? If not, you should. Like any chronic illness, if left untreated, it could get worse.
So many questions: Are you meeting with a therapist regularly for talk therapy? Have you tried CBT? Are you on medication? Have you changed meds or doses recently? (You seem like someone who would read the fine print: suicidal ideation is a side effect of many psychiatric medications.) And there are activities that have been proven to help light to moderate depression: socializing, excercise (specifically playing soccer), sun exposure, gardening and knitting. (Google them). All of these are worth a shot.
As for the larger picture and preserving your options: take a leave of absence from UIUC, one that will allow you to return if you want later. Don’t burn that bridge, which you admit you worked so hard to build. Try an exchange program for the fall, if you can (doing a geographical, that could help with depression, too.) Maybe you’ll like studying in a different college, university, or country. Keep working at your startup, but not with the idea that it will fail, but with the idea that it will succeed. And look for that ideal software position that would be the professional choice. Get that lined up, work at it at least for the summer or a semester or two off and see if it is all you dream it to be. Then you’ll know whether you want to go back and finish your degree or not.
You do mention outside pressures as reasons for staying in university. You mention family pressure - what is behind that? Is it because they think it’s the best for you, or is it for their own prestige? Do they know it’s making you depressed and suicidal? Likely they want the best for you, and they might not want you to stay if they know the toll it’s taking on your mental health. If it’s because it’s their dream, not yours, you need to reject it. You can’t live another’s dream; it’s your life.
Then there is also societal pressure to finish university. It’s not just hiring managers, today and in the future it’s more likely an HR algorithm that will eliminate you before anyone even sees your credentials. Therefore, your career path will be dependent on getting jobs through connections. If you’re outgoing and great at self-promotion and networking, this might be realistic. (And you might still be able to use the UIUC alumni network even if you don’t graduate, but beware those who are into alumni stuff are usually passionate about their alma mater in a good way.) There are also others in society that will judge you based on your university degree or lack thereof, but those considerations seem less important to you, at least now.
Lastly there is the question of education and experience, which are often gained from attending university, but not exclusively. Another mentions MIT’s MOOC—take a difficult class just to prove you can do it outside the regimen of a professor’s timeline. Do you have the skills you need for the career/job you want? As mentioned above, get the job and find out.
I wish you well. I would say, first get help for your depression and then take it from there.
To me, and I’m not a medical/social work professional, this looks like regular Depression. You allude to your diagnosis, but not your treatment. Are you getting treatment? If not, you should. Like any chronic illness, if left untreated, it could get worse.
So many questions: Are you meeting with a therapist regularly for talk therapy? Have you tried CBT? Are you on medication? Have you changed meds or doses recently? (You seem like someone who would read the fine print: suicidal ideation is a side effect of many psychiatric medications.) And there are activities that have been proven to help light to moderate depression: socializing, excercise (specifically playing soccer), sun exposure, gardening and knitting. (Google them). All of these are worth a shot.
As for the larger picture and preserving your options: take a leave of absence from UIUC, one that will allow you to return if you want later. Don’t burn that bridge, which you admit you worked so hard to build. Try an exchange program for the fall, if you can (doing a geographical, that could help with depression, too.) Maybe you’ll like studying in a different college, university, or country. Keep working at your startup, but not with the idea that it will fail, but with the idea that it will succeed. And look for that ideal software position that would be the professional choice. Get that lined up, work at it at least for the summer or a semester or two off and see if it is all you dream it to be. Then you’ll know whether you want to go back and finish your degree or not.
You do mention outside pressures as reasons for staying in university. You mention family pressure - what is behind that? Is it because they think it’s the best for you, or is it for their own prestige? Do they know it’s making you depressed and suicidal? Likely they want the best for you, and they might not want you to stay if they know the toll it’s taking on your mental health. If it’s because it’s their dream, not yours, you need to reject it. You can’t live another’s dream; it’s your life.
Then there is also societal pressure to finish university. It’s not just hiring managers, today and in the future it’s more likely an HR algorithm that will eliminate you before anyone even sees your credentials. Therefore, your career path will be dependent on getting jobs through connections. If you’re outgoing and great at self-promotion and networking, this might be realistic. (And you might still be able to use the UIUC alumni network even if you don’t graduate, but beware those who are into alumni stuff are usually passionate about their alma mater in a good way.) There are also others in society that will judge you based on your university degree or lack thereof, but those considerations seem less important to you, at least now.
Lastly there is the question of education and experience, which are often gained from attending university, but not exclusively. Another mentions MIT’s MOOC—take a difficult class just to prove you can do it outside the regimen of a professor’s timeline. Do you have the skills you need for the career/job you want? As mentioned above, get the job and find out.
I wish you well. I would say, first get help for your depression and then take it from there.