As it does for grouchymusicologist, the analogy to coming out queer jumps out at me. (When I came out to my mom, she replied “Well, I don’t like that at all!” I replied “Yes, I didn’t expect that you would.” The conversation ended shortly thereafter.)
I pretty much endorse everything everyone here has said, but emphasize the “Don’t Panic” response. Stay calm, stay polite, stay centered. A few more thoughts:
It is not your job to control your mother’s reactions, or her feelings. You are not obligated to feel or think the way that would make her happiest, but neither is she obligated to feel or think the way that would make you happiest. Right now you both feel and think in ways that make one another unhappy, which is unfortunate, but it’s something that happens in relationships.
Remember that this, too, shall pass.
Stay aware of opportunities to improve your relationship with her that don’t involve giving up your own integrity, take them when you see them, ignore opportunities to make your relationship worse whenever you can.
Remember that you have a lot of power here, although it’s highly constrained power. Be consistent in how you use that power and over time you will affect your environment. Reward the behavior you want; ignore the behavior you don’t want; over time the pattern of behavior will change. But consistency is key. If you let her control the interaction—for example, if you end up having an argument when an argument doesn’t serve your purposes, simply because she did something that upset you—then you give up consistency, and you give up those benefits. (If she is consistent and you are not, over time your pattern of behavior will change.)
As it does for grouchymusicologist, the analogy to coming out queer jumps out at me. (When I came out to my mom, she replied “Well, I don’t like that at all!” I replied “Yes, I didn’t expect that you would.” The conversation ended shortly thereafter.)
I pretty much endorse everything everyone here has said, but emphasize the “Don’t Panic” response. Stay calm, stay polite, stay centered. A few more thoughts:
It is not your job to control your mother’s reactions, or her feelings. You are not obligated to feel or think the way that would make her happiest, but neither is she obligated to feel or think the way that would make you happiest. Right now you both feel and think in ways that make one another unhappy, which is unfortunate, but it’s something that happens in relationships.
Remember that this, too, shall pass.
Stay aware of opportunities to improve your relationship with her that don’t involve giving up your own integrity, take them when you see them, ignore opportunities to make your relationship worse whenever you can.
Remember that you have a lot of power here, although it’s highly constrained power. Be consistent in how you use that power and over time you will affect your environment. Reward the behavior you want; ignore the behavior you don’t want; over time the pattern of behavior will change. But consistency is key. If you let her control the interaction—for example, if you end up having an argument when an argument doesn’t serve your purposes, simply because she did something that upset you—then you give up consistency, and you give up those benefits. (If she is consistent and you are not, over time your pattern of behavior will change.)