There needs to be a little more emphasis of the fact that as a result of their deal, some measure of the grasshopper will get to sing again along with the other minds who blossom in the summer. The paragraph simply doesn’t convey that. The impression I got was more like, as a result of their deal, the grasshopper was consumed quicker and less painfully and then merely remembered. I don’t think that was your intention?
I intended to convey it via “The grasshopper’s mind is … waiting to be born again in a fragment of a fragment of a supercomputer made of stars”, but there’s a lot in between those two phrases so it’s reasonable to miss that implication.
There needs to be a little more emphasis of the fact that as a result of their deal, some measure of the grasshopper will get to sing again along with the other minds who blossom in the summer. The paragraph simply doesn’t convey that. The impression I got was more like, as a result of their deal, the grasshopper was consumed quicker and less painfully and then merely remembered. I don’t think that was your intention?
I intended to convey it via “The grasshopper’s mind is … waiting to be born again in a fragment of a fragment of a supercomputer made of stars”, but there’s a lot in between those two phrases so it’s reasonable to miss that implication.
Have edited to fix.