I mean, “abusive people do it when they can get away with it, but often behave differently when the consequences will be bad for them” seems right to me, and not an uncommon explanation for the “charming in public, abusive in private” situation. The various other explanations take a “the angry person is doing their best” sort of position, but if you are looking to explain rather than excuse angry outbursts that are actively causing harm to the target of the outburst, “the consequences will be different in different situations, so the behavior you see is different in a way that matches” becomes a more salient thought.
Anger can be expressed in a way that is informative and helpful, an honest communication about a feeling one is having, or, it can be expressed in a way that is frightenihg or hurtful, or a way of gaining or exercising power. Those who choose the latter options do not have my sympathy. Those who don’t believe they have a choice about how they express their anger have a little of my sympathy, but they are mistaken, and my top priority would be protecting those with whom they interact.
I mean, “abusive people do it when they can get away with it, but often behave differently when the consequences will be bad for them” seems right to me, and not an uncommon explanation for the “charming in public, abusive in private” situation. The various other explanations take a “the angry person is doing their best” sort of position, but if you are looking to explain rather than excuse angry outbursts that are actively causing harm to the target of the outburst, “the consequences will be different in different situations, so the behavior you see is different in a way that matches” becomes a more salient thought.
Anger can be expressed in a way that is informative and helpful, an honest communication about a feeling one is having, or, it can be expressed in a way that is frightenihg or hurtful, or a way of gaining or exercising power. Those who choose the latter options do not have my sympathy. Those who don’t believe they have a choice about how they express their anger have a little of my sympathy, but they are mistaken, and my top priority would be protecting those with whom they interact.