I feel like I’ve wrestled with this, or something similar. I will throw some thoughts out.
In relating to your example, I recall times when I was expected to give care that I didn’t think a person needed, and I guess my sense was that they were weak to expect it (and so I was unable to empathize with them), or that my fake care would encourage them to be weak. I also felt that the care was disingenuous because it wasn’t really doing anything.
I no longer feel that way, and what changed over several years, I guess, is a deeper realization (along an independent, separate path of experiences, including being a mother) of the human condition: we are all lonely, isolated minds trapped in physical bodies. We ache for connection—more so at different times of our lives, and some more than others, with different levels of comfort for different levels—but infants can’t survive without affection and children and adults also need affection. (Alicorn’s “love languages” appropriate here.) Whatever expressions of affection we prefer, I think we need all of them a little bit, and physical, platonic affection is something we just don’t receive as often. (I hear this is especially true for the elderly.)
Signaling medical care is token for physical care, thus it stands in for physical affection—even if there is no physical contact involved. If there is physical contact involved—the placement of a band-aid on a knee—then that is even better. I think it is important to realize that people do have a need for such physical affection, and medical situations provide a context for this (often at times when people are in need of more affection anyway).
Good point. But the next question ought to be whether there’s a creative third alternative that would allow us to better signal our caring while being less wasteful. In some cases (the rising popularity of hospice rather than hospital for terminal illness), we can see this already being done.
(For a similar example, some couples planning weddings are moving away from the massively wasteful† registry option in favor of other ideas. It looks tacky to just ask for a cash donation, of course, but there really are third alternatives—one couple asked for donations toward the specific events they planned for their honeymoon, while others ask for donations toward a favored list of charities. Etc.)
† Guests signal their generosity and regard for the new couple by buying them something from a set of nice things. However, the couple typically asks for things that are uselessly nicer than what they would buy themselves if it were their money, so as to signal sophistication. The end result is that a lot of money gets wasted on overly specific kitchen gadgets which will gather dust, or overly nice china that rarely gets used, etc.
Without specific examples, I hadn’t thought of signaling care that was expensive. (I guessed it was emotionally expensive for Weidai.) But yes, fotaking someone to see the doctor when you know that wouldn’t be useful would be quite expensive.
I feel like I’ve wrestled with this, or something similar. I will throw some thoughts out.
In relating to your example, I recall times when I was expected to give care that I didn’t think a person needed, and I guess my sense was that they were weak to expect it (and so I was unable to empathize with them), or that my fake care would encourage them to be weak. I also felt that the care was disingenuous because it wasn’t really doing anything.
I no longer feel that way, and what changed over several years, I guess, is a deeper realization (along an independent, separate path of experiences, including being a mother) of the human condition: we are all lonely, isolated minds trapped in physical bodies. We ache for connection—more so at different times of our lives, and some more than others, with different levels of comfort for different levels—but infants can’t survive without affection and children and adults also need affection. (Alicorn’s “love languages” appropriate here.) Whatever expressions of affection we prefer, I think we need all of them a little bit, and physical, platonic affection is something we just don’t receive as often. (I hear this is especially true for the elderly.)
Signaling medical care is token for physical care, thus it stands in for physical affection—even if there is no physical contact involved. If there is physical contact involved—the placement of a band-aid on a knee—then that is even better. I think it is important to realize that people do have a need for such physical affection, and medical situations provide a context for this (often at times when people are in need of more affection anyway).
Good point. But the next question ought to be whether there’s a creative third alternative that would allow us to better signal our caring while being less wasteful. In some cases (the rising popularity of hospice rather than hospital for terminal illness), we can see this already being done.
(For a similar example, some couples planning weddings are moving away from the massively wasteful† registry option in favor of other ideas. It looks tacky to just ask for a cash donation, of course, but there really are third alternatives—one couple asked for donations toward the specific events they planned for their honeymoon, while others ask for donations toward a favored list of charities. Etc.)
† Guests signal their generosity and regard for the new couple by buying them something from a set of nice things. However, the couple typically asks for things that are uselessly nicer than what they would buy themselves if it were their money, so as to signal sophistication. The end result is that a lot of money gets wasted on overly specific kitchen gadgets which will gather dust, or overly nice china that rarely gets used, etc.
Without specific examples, I hadn’t thought of signaling care that was expensive. (I guessed it was emotionally expensive for Weidai.) But yes, fotaking someone to see the doctor when you know that wouldn’t be useful would be quite expensive.