I’ve gone through keeping my identity small and come out the other side, so this might be an interesting nuance on it.
KYIS is important. I think of it in terms of attachment. It’s important not to become attached to (or need, in your language) the identified with thing. That’s the path down which motivated thinking, defensiveness, and general suffering lie.
However it’s also import to project an identity. People get confused about how to interact with you if you don’t fit cleanly into a role. To use a programming metaphor, projecting an identity is like documenting your API so people know what and how they can interact with you.
My own experience was that I made my identity so small and consequently projected so little identity that people didn’t quite know what to make of me. I was getting labeled “eccentric” and “weird” a lot because I was confusing. So to help other people be less confused and improve my social interactions, I created a brand or identity to project outwards with my clothes, mannerism, etc. that is closely based on who I naturally am as a person but also plays into schema that other people have. The result is people have some clear sense of who I am, even though it’s wrong, and it lets them interact with me in consistently positive ways, even if they aren’t the maximally positive ways that would be possible if we spent the time to get to know each other deeply. I make my brand the closest Schelling point in in the identity space of schemas that people have, and things fall out smoothly from there.
Maybe not the approach everyone will want to take, but if you find it frustrating that everyone thinks you are weird and doesn’t know how to interact with you in positive ways, consider showing some more identity to them (even if it’s not the real thing!) so that they can “know” you better. If you’re afraid to do that because it’s not authentic, consider in what way “being authentic” is something you identify with!
The clear API point is a very useful one. It feels like the difference between “I need people to think I’m XYZ way or they won’t like me” and “I’ll provide people this simple XYZ way to think about me so that they can interact with me at all”.
To add to your suggestion, and to speak to the imagined person who feels very of putting out an API-Identity, there are all sorts of ways you can phrase you communication to express “This is a public facing API, inquire inside if you’re curious for more details.”
In fact, portraying a STRONGER identity often is met more easily results in better responses. The trick is that you can be strategic about it. By selecting between “personas” or “roles” you can select what kind of responses you want to get.
I find it helpful to think about the different situations I am in (work meetings, studying in cafes, meeting friends, etc.), and then think about “what is the most ideal response I could get”—and think about “what kind of person / action would provoke that kind of response?” Then, for the given situation make sure that everything is coherent—appearance, energy level, behaviors, speech cadence, etc.
Coherence is very powerful.
We already do this when we have a “work self” and a “home self”. But for most of our activities it is not pre-planned. We just want to be “ourselves”—i.e. not have to strategically prepare for each situation.
As for “social identity theory” and feeling attacked, I don’t think KYIS quite applies. When you are part of a tribe or subculture or whatever, there are several factors at play. (1) Defending the tribe may gain you status in the tribe. (2) Allowing attacks on fellow tribe-members to go unprovoked may put you personally at risk as well—thus the tribe makes it a value to protect fellow tribe-members.
KYIS may mean “don’t join any tribes”. Or more realistically—only feel kinship or trust toward those you personally know, not any abstract larger categories of people. Some would argue that this is how China used to work. However, as societies scale up in size, we typically do join social groups with abstract myths that bind people together, provide standards, and allow coordination among strangers.
Anyway, I guess it gets pretty complex as you unpack it. I suppose if you have skills that are in demand by many people, you do not need to be “married” to any one tribe, nation, or company. You can flit from one to the next if the current one falls. This may cause locals to mistrust you (e.g. the hatred for “globalists”) which lowers your status locally, but if your skills are valuable enough, you won’t mind too much.
So, the ultimate way to KYIS—be very valuable to many different groups of people. This may be from transferable skills, a great personality, or just a very strong and wide social network.
I’ve gone through keeping my identity small and come out the other side, so this might be an interesting nuance on it.
KYIS is important. I think of it in terms of attachment. It’s important not to become attached to (or need, in your language) the identified with thing. That’s the path down which motivated thinking, defensiveness, and general suffering lie.
However it’s also import to project an identity. People get confused about how to interact with you if you don’t fit cleanly into a role. To use a programming metaphor, projecting an identity is like documenting your API so people know what and how they can interact with you.
My own experience was that I made my identity so small and consequently projected so little identity that people didn’t quite know what to make of me. I was getting labeled “eccentric” and “weird” a lot because I was confusing. So to help other people be less confused and improve my social interactions, I created a brand or identity to project outwards with my clothes, mannerism, etc. that is closely based on who I naturally am as a person but also plays into schema that other people have. The result is people have some clear sense of who I am, even though it’s wrong, and it lets them interact with me in consistently positive ways, even if they aren’t the maximally positive ways that would be possible if we spent the time to get to know each other deeply. I make my brand the closest Schelling point in in the identity space of schemas that people have, and things fall out smoothly from there.
Maybe not the approach everyone will want to take, but if you find it frustrating that everyone thinks you are weird and doesn’t know how to interact with you in positive ways, consider showing some more identity to them (even if it’s not the real thing!) so that they can “know” you better. If you’re afraid to do that because it’s not authentic, consider in what way “being authentic” is something you identify with!
The clear API point is a very useful one. It feels like the difference between “I need people to think I’m XYZ way or they won’t like me” and “I’ll provide people this simple XYZ way to think about me so that they can interact with me at all”.
To add to your suggestion, and to speak to the imagined person who feels very of putting out an API-Identity, there are all sorts of ways you can phrase you communication to express “This is a public facing API, inquire inside if you’re curious for more details.”
I find this very true.
In fact, portraying a STRONGER identity often is met more easily results in better responses. The trick is that you can be strategic about it. By selecting between “personas” or “roles” you can select what kind of responses you want to get.
I find it helpful to think about the different situations I am in (work meetings, studying in cafes, meeting friends, etc.), and then think about “what is the most ideal response I could get”—and think about “what kind of person / action would provoke that kind of response?” Then, for the given situation make sure that everything is coherent—appearance, energy level, behaviors, speech cadence, etc.
Coherence is very powerful.
We already do this when we have a “work self” and a “home self”. But for most of our activities it is not pre-planned. We just want to be “ourselves”—i.e. not have to strategically prepare for each situation.
As for “social identity theory” and feeling attacked, I don’t think KYIS quite applies. When you are part of a tribe or subculture or whatever, there are several factors at play. (1) Defending the tribe may gain you status in the tribe. (2) Allowing attacks on fellow tribe-members to go unprovoked may put you personally at risk as well—thus the tribe makes it a value to protect fellow tribe-members.
KYIS may mean “don’t join any tribes”. Or more realistically—only feel kinship or trust toward those you personally know, not any abstract larger categories of people. Some would argue that this is how China used to work. However, as societies scale up in size, we typically do join social groups with abstract myths that bind people together, provide standards, and allow coordination among strangers.
Anyway, I guess it gets pretty complex as you unpack it. I suppose if you have skills that are in demand by many people, you do not need to be “married” to any one tribe, nation, or company. You can flit from one to the next if the current one falls. This may cause locals to mistrust you (e.g. the hatred for “globalists”) which lowers your status locally, but if your skills are valuable enough, you won’t mind too much.
So, the ultimate way to KYIS—be very valuable to many different groups of people. This may be from transferable skills, a great personality, or just a very strong and wide social network.