Another thing to have in mind is that in the contemporary culture, qualities such as “open-mindedness,” “questioning authority,” “free-thinking,” etc. are universally hailed as ideals, to the point where implying that someone lacks such qualities is considered a serious insult, and is a frequently employed tactic for character assassination. Thus, people endeavor to obtain recognition from others that they have such qualities, and get angry when someone suggests otherwise.
However, like any human culture, ours also has its strong taboos and norms that it’s unwise to question, let alone flaunt; to them the respectable label of “free-thinking” doesn’t apply. So, what gets labeled as “free-thinking” in our culture may be the real thing, but it may also be a cargo-cult imitation thereof, whose real purpose is signaling respectability, not revealing truth, and where tacit agreement exists not to extend skepticism and criticism to truly sacred taboos. Humans being what they are, we would expect to get much more of the latter, and this is indeed what we see. Thus, I’m extremely skeptical of anyone trying to publicly extol his own, or even someone else’s “free-thinking” as a virtue.
Moreover, in any society, including ours, it would be extremely unwise—even if it were possible—to raise your kids to be out-and-out fearless free-thinkers who will throw themselves against every third-rail taboo and sacred cow they come across. It would ruin their life prospects. The way things seem, however, it’s impossible to have that much direct influence on your kids’ character anyway, except to the extent that you can control the peer groups they socialize with—which is another thing that makes me skeptical of the above quoted work.
I know about three people who actually have been raised to be free-thinkers. They’ve turned out quite successful—two are scientists, one has shaky career prospects but great internal resources.
The key, though, is to be free-thinking plus practical. If you’re a free-thinker, but constantly shocked and unprepared to confront people who aren’t, you’re going to get in trouble, because you’ll be unaware of the social and personal costs of your actions. You won’t know how to pick your battles.
The difference between free-thinkers and non-free-thinkers is that the free-thinker actually perceives it as “I’m picking my battles, I’m not fighting City Hall this time” while the non-free-thinker gets an instant aversion signal from every unpopular choice. It’s more in your own best interest to be a practical free-thinker than a non-free-thinker, because you can pick your battles. That means that when you really value something—more than you value social approval—you can actually achieve it. It’s a better optimization procedure than listening to the blind aversion signals.
Also, practicality is a thing parameterized by your goals. There are goals where the most effective action is to “fight city hall”—even though you are certain to lose. All civil rights wars were won that way.
The extent to which you can control the peer groups your kids socialize with is quite large. Some religious sects, for example, control that socialization very tightly. The wisdom of such an approach is debatable, but it’s definitely possible. A hybrid approach might be to influence (rather than strictly control) the peer-selection process and also attempt to immunize your kids to the worst aspects of their peer culture.
The extent to which you can control the peer groups your kids socialize with is quite large.
Yes, but you have only so many possible peer groups to choose from; it’s not like you can custom-design one. Ultimately, your kids will internalize the norms and taboos dictated by their peer group, and your attempts to question them will make you look stupid and obnoxious in the kids’ eyes. Until of course they grow up (which happens extremely late in our society by all historical standards).
Some religious sects, for example, control that socialization very tightly. The wisdom of such an approach is debatable, but it’s definitely possible.
Most people do it, not just religious sects. One of the main things (if not the main thing) that motivates people to work hard is to be able to afford to raise their families in places where their kids’ peer groups will inculcate respectable middle-class values and attitudes. Religious sects are different only in that they want to eliminate some influences that pervade the mainstream culture (including the youth culture) today, and which are considered more or less OK by most other people. Typical middle-class people are instinctively horrified by the though of their kids being exposed to a peer group that espouses underclass norms, just like members of religious sects are horrified by the prospect of their kids being exposed to norms hostile to their sect. In both cases, the fears are absolutely justified if you share their respective assumptions on what the kids should turn out like.
As for the amount of attention poured into the control and oversight of kids’ activities and peer groups, I’m not at all sure that modern helicopter parenting, which has become the de facto standard for middle classes, is any less intensive in this regard than the parenting practiced by members of strict religious sects.
A hybrid approach might be to influence (rather than strictly control) the peer-selection process and also attempt to immunize your kids to the worst aspects of their peer culture.
Sadly, this is often the equivalent of tilting at windmills. The kids’ blind conformity and fanatical adherence to their peer group norms, and their fervor to ruthlessly punish and ostracize their peers who fail to live up to them or who end up assigned low status according to them, is rarely matched by even the most fanatical and close-minded adults. This problem is exacerbated today by the fact that in the contemporary culture, the adulthood is delayed far past the ages at which kids were expected to join the world of adult society and adult norms in the past.
Sadly, this is often the equivalent of tilting at windmills. The kids’ blind conformity and fanatical adherence to their peer group norms, and their fervor to ruthlessly punish and ostracize their peers who fail to live up to them or who end up assigned low status according to them, is rarely matched by even the most fanatical and close-minded adults.
As Bongo said, “teach them to hide it”. That is, let them know that they can outwardly go along with peer group standards while inwardly reserving judgment, or holding a different judgment. Also, teaching kids social skills (primarily, how to make friends) allows them to participate in multiple, sometimes overlapping groups. That will enhance the ability to reserve judgment, first on what the groups differ on, and later also on what they share.
Part of the point of teaching independence of thought is so that it can lead to independent action, so there’s got to be more than going along while thinking your own thoughts.
Sure, but there’s usually nothing wrong with conforming to an unwritten teenage dress code (for example). As SarahC said, battles should be picked carefully.
Another thing to have in mind is that in the contemporary culture, qualities such as “open-mindedness,” “questioning authority,” “free-thinking,” etc. are universally hailed as ideals, to the point where implying that someone lacks such qualities is considered a serious insult, and is a frequently employed tactic for character assassination. Thus, people endeavor to obtain recognition from others that they have such qualities, and get angry when someone suggests otherwise.
However, like any human culture, ours also has its strong taboos and norms that it’s unwise to question, let alone flaunt; to them the respectable label of “free-thinking” doesn’t apply. So, what gets labeled as “free-thinking” in our culture may be the real thing, but it may also be a cargo-cult imitation thereof, whose real purpose is signaling respectability, not revealing truth, and where tacit agreement exists not to extend skepticism and criticism to truly sacred taboos. Humans being what they are, we would expect to get much more of the latter, and this is indeed what we see. Thus, I’m extremely skeptical of anyone trying to publicly extol his own, or even someone else’s “free-thinking” as a virtue.
Moreover, in any society, including ours, it would be extremely unwise—even if it were possible—to raise your kids to be out-and-out fearless free-thinkers who will throw themselves against every third-rail taboo and sacred cow they come across. It would ruin their life prospects. The way things seem, however, it’s impossible to have that much direct influence on your kids’ character anyway, except to the extent that you can control the peer groups they socialize with—which is another thing that makes me skeptical of the above quoted work.
I know about three people who actually have been raised to be free-thinkers. They’ve turned out quite successful—two are scientists, one has shaky career prospects but great internal resources.
The key, though, is to be free-thinking plus practical. If you’re a free-thinker, but constantly shocked and unprepared to confront people who aren’t, you’re going to get in trouble, because you’ll be unaware of the social and personal costs of your actions. You won’t know how to pick your battles.
The difference between free-thinkers and non-free-thinkers is that the free-thinker actually perceives it as “I’m picking my battles, I’m not fighting City Hall this time” while the non-free-thinker gets an instant aversion signal from every unpopular choice. It’s more in your own best interest to be a practical free-thinker than a non-free-thinker, because you can pick your battles. That means that when you really value something—more than you value social approval—you can actually achieve it. It’s a better optimization procedure than listening to the blind aversion signals.
Also, practicality is a thing parameterized by your goals. There are goals where the most effective action is to “fight city hall”—even though you are certain to lose. All civil rights wars were won that way.
Teach them to hide it.
The extent to which you can control the peer groups your kids socialize with is quite large. Some religious sects, for example, control that socialization very tightly. The wisdom of such an approach is debatable, but it’s definitely possible. A hybrid approach might be to influence (rather than strictly control) the peer-selection process and also attempt to immunize your kids to the worst aspects of their peer culture.
torekp:
Yes, but you have only so many possible peer groups to choose from; it’s not like you can custom-design one. Ultimately, your kids will internalize the norms and taboos dictated by their peer group, and your attempts to question them will make you look stupid and obnoxious in the kids’ eyes. Until of course they grow up (which happens extremely late in our society by all historical standards).
Most people do it, not just religious sects. One of the main things (if not the main thing) that motivates people to work hard is to be able to afford to raise their families in places where their kids’ peer groups will inculcate respectable middle-class values and attitudes. Religious sects are different only in that they want to eliminate some influences that pervade the mainstream culture (including the youth culture) today, and which are considered more or less OK by most other people. Typical middle-class people are instinctively horrified by the though of their kids being exposed to a peer group that espouses underclass norms, just like members of religious sects are horrified by the prospect of their kids being exposed to norms hostile to their sect. In both cases, the fears are absolutely justified if you share their respective assumptions on what the kids should turn out like.
As for the amount of attention poured into the control and oversight of kids’ activities and peer groups, I’m not at all sure that modern helicopter parenting, which has become the de facto standard for middle classes, is any less intensive in this regard than the parenting practiced by members of strict religious sects.
Sadly, this is often the equivalent of tilting at windmills. The kids’ blind conformity and fanatical adherence to their peer group norms, and their fervor to ruthlessly punish and ostracize their peers who fail to live up to them or who end up assigned low status according to them, is rarely matched by even the most fanatical and close-minded adults. This problem is exacerbated today by the fact that in the contemporary culture, the adulthood is delayed far past the ages at which kids were expected to join the world of adult society and adult norms in the past.
As Bongo said, “teach them to hide it”. That is, let them know that they can outwardly go along with peer group standards while inwardly reserving judgment, or holding a different judgment. Also, teaching kids social skills (primarily, how to make friends) allows them to participate in multiple, sometimes overlapping groups. That will enhance the ability to reserve judgment, first on what the groups differ on, and later also on what they share.
Part of the point of teaching independence of thought is so that it can lead to independent action, so there’s got to be more than going along while thinking your own thoughts.
Sure, but there’s usually nothing wrong with conforming to an unwritten teenage dress code (for example). As SarahC said, battles should be picked carefully.