When self-deprecating humor works, it’s often a form of counter signaling. To review:
Moderately wealthy people often attempt to show off their wealth. This might be expensive cars or heavy gold neck chains, depending on culture. This is “signaling.”
But the really rich are often content to downplay their visible wealth. I know of a billionaire who drives an ordinary pickup. Steve Jobs famously wore jeans and a turtleneck everywhere. The message this sends is “I’m not one of those unfortunate folks who need to around flashing their wealth like some kind of drug dealer. You can read about my wealth in the newspapers.” This is “counter signaling”, and the premise is that nobody would ever mistake a billionaire for a poor person, but they might (horrors) mistake a billionaire for one of those ordinary nouveau riche multimillionaires. If you have to flash your wealth around constantly, you’re poor.
Self-deprecating humor works reasonably well as a form of counter signaling, when it’s used in the sense that “I’m so confident and secure that I can make jokes at my own expense.” It’s the billionaire driving around town in a pickup, or Arnold Schwarzenegger making jokes at the expense of his masculinity, or even the peacock’s tail.
But like a lot of counter signaling, when it goes wrong, it goes badly wrong. Two friends can tease each other savagely if they both know they’re ride-or-die. But two near-friends can accidentally hurt each badly with teasing. I could tease my former startup boss in front of the entire company, but we’d all been through some shit together, and my boss and I were good friends. If you do that to a regular boss? You’re in deep shit.
So if your self-deprecating humor is actually hurting your self worth, stop. You shouldn’t talk yourself down if you actually secretly believe that it matters. Self-deprecating humor works for people who secretly believe that they are awesome. For everyone else with ordinary levels of self-regard? Don’t go tearing yourself down.
When self-deprecating humor works, it’s often a form of counter signaling. To review:
Moderately wealthy people often attempt to show off their wealth. This might be expensive cars or heavy gold neck chains, depending on culture. This is “signaling.”
But the really rich are often content to downplay their visible wealth. I know of a billionaire who drives an ordinary pickup. Steve Jobs famously wore jeans and a turtleneck everywhere. The message this sends is “I’m not one of those unfortunate folks who need to around flashing their wealth like some kind of drug dealer. You can read about my wealth in the newspapers.” This is “counter signaling”, and the premise is that nobody would ever mistake a billionaire for a poor person, but they might (horrors) mistake a billionaire for one of those ordinary nouveau riche multimillionaires. If you have to flash your wealth around constantly, you’re poor.
Self-deprecating humor works reasonably well as a form of counter signaling, when it’s used in the sense that “I’m so confident and secure that I can make jokes at my own expense.” It’s the billionaire driving around town in a pickup, or Arnold Schwarzenegger making jokes at the expense of his masculinity, or even the peacock’s tail.
But like a lot of counter signaling, when it goes wrong, it goes badly wrong. Two friends can tease each other savagely if they both know they’re ride-or-die. But two near-friends can accidentally hurt each badly with teasing. I could tease my former startup boss in front of the entire company, but we’d all been through some shit together, and my boss and I were good friends. If you do that to a regular boss? You’re in deep shit.
So if your self-deprecating humor is actually hurting your self worth, stop. You shouldn’t talk yourself down if you actually secretly believe that it matters. Self-deprecating humor works for people who secretly believe that they are awesome. For everyone else with ordinary levels of self-regard? Don’t go tearing yourself down.