That’s what I did. I imagined all the consequences that I was afraid of and played through each like a video game.
For example, if they get sad maybe I want to feel secure in myself while empathizing with them through their sadness. If they get annoying, I want to say “No” and walk away. If they get violent I want to defend myself. Etc. Playing these out in detail, completely, recursively.
You played the game on easy mode. It’s no problem to set boundaries in a situation where it’s just the two of you, the other person doesn’t have any ability to retaliate against you setting boundaries, and doing so presents no reputational costs. But what if the person you’re setting boundaries against is your boss? Or someone else influential at work, who can credibly threaten your career if you say no to them? What if the person you’re setting boundaries against is influential in a particular community that you’re part of, and you’re worried about burning bridges or ruining your reputation by refusing their increasingly insistent requests?
Just today, I went to a social gathering that I very much did not want to attend. Could I have “set boundaries” and said no? Perhaps I could have. But, that had to be set against the possibility of me being excluded or left out of the loop on other relevant matters because I build up a reputation as a no-fun wet-blanket who doesn’t like hanging out. So I went, even though, frankly, it was exhausting and unproductive and I’m not sure I gained anything from it in the near term. But saying no would have carried unclear social costs, and would possibly have led to me being out of the loop regarding future events.
It’s in situations like that where a lot of the toy anti-anxiety boundary-setting advice, like imagining the worst thing that could possibly happen, falls down. Because the worst thing that could possibly happen is actually really bad.
You played the game on easy mode. It’s no problem to set boundaries in a situation where it’s just the two of you, the other person doesn’t have any ability to retaliate against you setting boundaries, and doing so presents no reputational costs. But what if the person you’re setting boundaries against is your boss? Or someone else influential at work, who can credibly threaten your career if you say no to them? What if the person you’re setting boundaries against is influential in a particular community that you’re part of, and you’re worried about burning bridges or ruining your reputation by refusing their increasingly insistent requests?
Just today, I went to a social gathering that I very much did not want to attend. Could I have “set boundaries” and said no? Perhaps I could have. But, that had to be set against the possibility of me being excluded or left out of the loop on other relevant matters because I build up a reputation as a no-fun wet-blanket who doesn’t like hanging out. So I went, even though, frankly, it was exhausting and unproductive and I’m not sure I gained anything from it in the near term. But saying no would have carried unclear social costs, and would possibly have led to me being out of the loop regarding future events.
It’s in situations like that where a lot of the toy anti-anxiety boundary-setting advice, like imagining the worst thing that could possibly happen, falls down. Because the worst thing that could possibly happen is actually really bad.