I went to a very a difficult school and suddenly found that the single good quality I knew I had (being smart) I didn’t really have at all. Every attempt to think hard became a reminder that I am a failure in this regard (and therefore have no demonstrable value as a human being etc. etc.). The existence of due dates forced me to think hard pretty often anyway until I graduated, but since then it just doesn’t happen. Apparently this effect is pretty common for alums of [college], but usually it wears off after a year or so and it’s lasted longer than that for me.
So yes, clearly an anxiety problem, and the video game suggestion would be a sort of exposure treatment. Can’t afford to pay a third party to fix my brain (when I tried that in college I spent a month totally failing to communicate what my problem even was until they told me to stop coming, so involving another human is likely to be very time-inefficient), but there are workbooks and such that are said to be useful.
Thank you for posting about this. It takes both courage and respect for truth.
I’ve made a huge amount of progress shutting down self-hatred. Unfortunately, I haven’t kept a diary, so this is from memory, and I’m not completely sure which of the many things I’ve tried were crucial. I also do have therapy (only once a month—the style is influenced by Somatic Experiencing). I think it helps, but it isn’t the main thing.
This is going to be a core dump. I recommend that if you start feeling swamped, pull back from it.
I strongly recommend Transforming Negative Self-Talk by Steven Andreas—it’s an NLP-based approach of modifying the speed, volume, pitch, direction, etc. of the attacking voice. I found it did a lo quiet mine, and one of my friends found it helpful. The book says that these methods don’t work for everyone, so if you try it, please view it as an experiment. It is absolutely the most obviously effective self-help book I’ve used.
I’ve seen some talk about the need for compassion and courage to get out of self-hatred, but I find these abstractions are too grand and frightening. Fortunately, getting in on small facts and grinding can be very useful.
Two mottoes: “I will not do my enemies’ work for them.” “I will not beat myself up for symptoms of depression.”
I’ve found that fits of self-hatred are not under direct conscious control, but they can be examined and this helps. Partly, it’s that the process of examination is very different from being caught up in self-hatred.
Even if you can’t prevent self-hatred, experiment with self-care afterwards. You’ve just had a rough time, and you won’t be struck by lightning if you take a moment to come back to the ordinary world and let yourself feel steadier.
It’s done me some good to look at self-hatred as a passion. I still don’t know what’s going on, but just acknowledging that high-energy inventive hatred is a strong drive helped somehow.
It also helped to realize that part of my mind must be terrified of something to be working so hard to constrain me, even though I haven’t figured out what it’s afraid of.
It helps (in a slow grind sort of way) to keep coming back to whether what the voice is saying is true—the universe is remarkably tolerant of people who don’t meet random ideal standards.
No, really. As far as games involving problem-solving go, Minecraft with a large set of tech-mods is pretty high up there, and adding the social element helps motivation. I’m not sure what the best fraction of time to spend on games is, but it’s almost certainly >0.
This very nearly spiralled out of control at the start of my PhD. Doesn’t sound as extreme as you so my advice probably won’t be of much help. Collecting small victories helped.
My experience in grad school (materials engineering) was very different. Within the sphere of people who attended my Ph.D. program, academic success seemed very poorly correlated with intelligence. Maybe a difference in the school’s or department’s culture.
I went to a very a difficult school and suddenly found that the single good quality I knew I had (being smart) I didn’t really have at all. Every attempt to think hard became a reminder that I am a failure in this regard (and therefore have no demonstrable value as a human being etc. etc.). The existence of due dates forced me to think hard pretty often anyway until I graduated, but since then it just doesn’t happen. Apparently this effect is pretty common for alums of [college], but usually it wears off after a year or so and it’s lasted longer than that for me.
So yes, clearly an anxiety problem, and the video game suggestion would be a sort of exposure treatment. Can’t afford to pay a third party to fix my brain (when I tried that in college I spent a month totally failing to communicate what my problem even was until they told me to stop coming, so involving another human is likely to be very time-inefficient), but there are workbooks and such that are said to be useful.
Thank you for posting about this. It takes both courage and respect for truth.
I’ve made a huge amount of progress shutting down self-hatred. Unfortunately, I haven’t kept a diary, so this is from memory, and I’m not completely sure which of the many things I’ve tried were crucial. I also do have therapy (only once a month—the style is influenced by Somatic Experiencing). I think it helps, but it isn’t the main thing.
This is going to be a core dump. I recommend that if you start feeling swamped, pull back from it.
Here’s what I’ve written in the past.
I strongly recommend Transforming Negative Self-Talk by Steven Andreas—it’s an NLP-based approach of modifying the speed, volume, pitch, direction, etc. of the attacking voice. I found it did a lo quiet mine, and one of my friends found it helpful. The book says that these methods don’t work for everyone, so if you try it, please view it as an experiment. It is absolutely the most obviously effective self-help book I’ve used.
I’ve seen some talk about the need for compassion and courage to get out of self-hatred, but I find these abstractions are too grand and frightening. Fortunately, getting in on small facts and grinding can be very useful.
Two mottoes: “I will not do my enemies’ work for them.” “I will not beat myself up for symptoms of depression.”
I’ve found that fits of self-hatred are not under direct conscious control, but they can be examined and this helps. Partly, it’s that the process of examination is very different from being caught up in self-hatred.
Even if you can’t prevent self-hatred, experiment with self-care afterwards. You’ve just had a rough time, and you won’t be struck by lightning if you take a moment to come back to the ordinary world and let yourself feel steadier.
It’s done me some good to look at self-hatred as a passion. I still don’t know what’s going on, but just acknowledging that high-energy inventive hatred is a strong drive helped somehow.
It also helped to realize that part of my mind must be terrified of something to be working so hard to constrain me, even though I haven’t figured out what it’s afraid of.
It helps (in a slow grind sort of way) to keep coming back to whether what the voice is saying is true—the universe is remarkably tolerant of people who don’t meet random ideal standards.
Compassion and Self-Hate—a good book on the subject, with focus on men’s issues. I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t)-- another good book with focus on women’s issues.
Would you like to join my Minecraft server?
No, really. As far as games involving problem-solving go, Minecraft with a large set of tech-mods is pretty high up there, and adding the social element helps motivation. I’m not sure what the best fraction of time to spend on games is, but it’s almost certainly >0.
This very nearly spiralled out of control at the start of my PhD. Doesn’t sound as extreme as you so my advice probably won’t be of much help. Collecting small victories helped.
My experience in grad school (materials engineering) was very different. Within the sphere of people who attended my Ph.D. program, academic success seemed very poorly correlated with intelligence. Maybe a difference in the school’s or department’s culture.