My model for this is that there are strong norms against optimization. Specifically we are supposed to be genuine, which is to say conduct ourselves in dating as we would normally conduct ourselves, such that the people we date get an accurate view of the “real” us. Optimizing your photos and strategizing for maximum number of connections to your profile is not genuine because you wouldn’t normally do them, so people don’t.
This works for explaining how badly people feel when they try to get dates and fail consistently. For a person following the norm of being genuine, failure to secure a date means that they are genuinely undesirable. I’m confident we’ll all agree that such a feeling cuts to the quick.
I think we can also profitably compare the situation of online dating to a similar situation in job seeking. In this case the norms for being honest are much weaker; there is a widespread understanding that this is a game that is routinely strategized on up to and including deception, and being rejected from a job is correspondingly less hurtful than being rejected for dates. Further, there is a huge profusion of resume review, interview prep, and search optimization services. These get routinely used.
The distinction between the interface (resume, job portal, interviews) and the goal (doing work for pay) allows people comfort with being strategic about the former. The norm of being genuine obfuscates this in the case of dating sites and relationships.
My model for this is that there are strong norms against optimization. Specifically we are supposed to be genuine, which is to say conduct ourselves in dating as we would normally conduct ourselves, such that the people we date get an accurate view of the “real” us.
From what I have seen of online dating profiles, this view is extremely rare amongst the general population, and even rare amongst members of the rationalist community. Anectodally, people tend to be even more dishonest in their dating profiles than they are irl. Most people don’t seem to understand the concept of representing themselves accurately, much less believe it is something they should aim for.
I think it is more likely that most poorly received dating profiles/dating behaviour is due to poor social awareness, as well as limits on how well certain perceived personal flaws can be concealed. E.g. an overweight person will try to dress in a way that makes them look thinner, and will use a photo of when they weighed less, but there is only so much their clothes can do to hide their weight, and their photo can’t differ TOO much from reality because this will be discovered upon meeting irl. Also, differences in social attitudes and relationship goals can make for some unpleasant dating experiences.
Thanks! I agree that trying too hard or seeming fake is a big turnoff and would decrease your chances of success, but choosing better photos seems like a pretty covert activity (and one which seems to have reasonably high social approval).
I agree that choosing good photos is both covert and has high social approval. But the important feature of the norm of being genuine is that people simply don’t evaluate their chances of success: instead, whatever success they happen to get is evidence of how attractive they are.
But dating profiles are still relatively new, and their saturation in the dating world is very new. I expect that the norms will shift to accommodate them. Consider that it remains totally normal for people to put more effort than usual into the clothes they wear for a date; profile photos seem like they will probably slide into the same position as wearing a nice shirt, with mostly the same considerations.
My model for this is that there are strong norms against optimization. Specifically we are supposed to be genuine, which is to say conduct ourselves in dating as we would normally conduct ourselves, such that the people we date get an accurate view of the “real” us. Optimizing your photos and strategizing for maximum number of connections to your profile is not genuine because you wouldn’t normally do them, so people don’t.
This works for explaining how badly people feel when they try to get dates and fail consistently. For a person following the norm of being genuine, failure to secure a date means that they are genuinely undesirable. I’m confident we’ll all agree that such a feeling cuts to the quick.
I think we can also profitably compare the situation of online dating to a similar situation in job seeking. In this case the norms for being honest are much weaker; there is a widespread understanding that this is a game that is routinely strategized on up to and including deception, and being rejected from a job is correspondingly less hurtful than being rejected for dates. Further, there is a huge profusion of resume review, interview prep, and search optimization services. These get routinely used.
The distinction between the interface (resume, job portal, interviews) and the goal (doing work for pay) allows people comfort with being strategic about the former. The norm of being genuine obfuscates this in the case of dating sites and relationships.
From what I have seen of online dating profiles, this view is extremely rare amongst the general population, and even rare amongst members of the rationalist community. Anectodally, people tend to be even more dishonest in their dating profiles than they are irl. Most people don’t seem to understand the concept of representing themselves accurately, much less believe it is something they should aim for.
I think it is more likely that most poorly received dating profiles/dating behaviour is due to poor social awareness, as well as limits on how well certain perceived personal flaws can be concealed. E.g. an overweight person will try to dress in a way that makes them look thinner, and will use a photo of when they weighed less, but there is only so much their clothes can do to hide their weight, and their photo can’t differ TOO much from reality because this will be discovered upon meeting irl. Also, differences in social attitudes and relationship goals can make for some unpleasant dating experiences.
Thanks! I agree that trying too hard or seeming fake is a big turnoff and would decrease your chances of success, but choosing better photos seems like a pretty covert activity (and one which seems to have reasonably high social approval).
I agree that choosing good photos is both covert and has high social approval. But the important feature of the norm of being genuine is that people simply don’t evaluate their chances of success: instead, whatever success they happen to get is evidence of how attractive they are.
But dating profiles are still relatively new, and their saturation in the dating world is very new. I expect that the norms will shift to accommodate them. Consider that it remains totally normal for people to put more effort than usual into the clothes they wear for a date; profile photos seem like they will probably slide into the same position as wearing a nice shirt, with mostly the same considerations.