Note: Some people react weirdly to the crying (and I don’t know why).
I may be one of the people you’d describe as reacting weirdly to the crying, and my reason for it is this.
In order to not be seen as an Insensitive Person, when someone you know starts crying in your presence, especially if it’s because of you, you’re obligated to Do Something about it.
I do not have a cache of appropriate procedures for Doing Something.
“Are you okay?” This covers the Sensitivity angle by Showing Concern.
“Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?” This allows you to obtain a procedure for Doing Something, but not only are you Doing Something, you are also doing the exact Thing that the crying person wants you to do. Customization! Sometimes, crying people don’t want you to do anything, but also if they tell you something random at step 2 and see you actually do it, they might be more inclined to trust you with the actual Thing they want you to do.
I do tend to give responses like this, but they feel awfully fake to me. I may appear more authentic than I feel when giving them. One time I asked my mother if she would describe me as a warm person (I wouldn’t, but I wanted to know what other people thought,) she said that she generally wouldn’t, but sometimes I am, and gave an example of a time when she was distressed over a cancer scare, and when she started crying, I immediately walked up and hugged her.
But I also remembered that event very well, and to me, hugging her didn’t feel like a natural reaction to consoling someone in distress, it felt like “Crap, I am required to Do Something, what do I do?” and desperately searching for a socially appropriate response.
This probably makes me sound a lot more uncaring than I actually am. It’s certainly not that I don’t empathize with others’ distress, but I’m not nearly as emotive as I am emotional, and I become distressed when I feel like I suddenly have to signal compassion in a way that’s different from my response to actually feeling compassionate.
This probably makes me sound a lot more uncaring than I actually am.
Not at all. It makes you sound exactly like I feel a lot of the time–as someone who didn’t naturally pick up a lot of social scripts, it just feels frustrating that people have these scripts, and expect you to know when and how follow them even though they’re completely counterintuitive, and that people care about how you appear, not your intentions (or what you actually get accomplished).
I do tend to give responses like this, but they feel awfully fake to me. I may appear more authentic than I feel when giving them.
Fake it till you make it! And take this as consolation: plenty of people’s natural, instinctive responses to people in distress aren’t helpful. The fact that you’re actually thinking consciously about your response means you can notice over time what works and what doesn’t and adjust accordingly.
I’m not nearly as emotive as I am emotional, and I become distressed when I feel like I suddenly have to signal compassion in a way that’s different from my response to actually feeling compassionate.
I definitely know what that feels like; whenever people come to me with a problem, I immediately start trying to solve it, which probably comes off as awful pushiness if they just wanted someone to signal compassion at them. But it comes from compassion! People with problems need to stop suffering from them as soon as possible! I only feel compelled to give people hugs when the problem is unsolvable, like someone dying. (As a result, I’m really bad at greeting-hugs.)
Here are some questions: What would you want others to do for you if you were crying or upset? How often do people actually do the thing you want? Because if it’s not that often, you may want to let them know. I think actually most people appreciate feeling helpful in situations like that. Like if someone is giving you a hug and you don’t want it, ask them to do something else instead? Eventually, they should condition to always do the other thing when you’re upset. Hopefully.
Personally, it really bothers me when people get distressed if I’m upset or crying, because it feels like they care more about making me stop than actually resolving the problem that caused it. Like the more they let me cry, the less I will like them later or something. Or as if my crying bothers them so much that they just want to shut it off. Whereas I prefer to sit there and cry until I figure out what I need from them. Therefore, I would argue that being distressed at upset people isn’t instrumental, because it sends this weirdly selfish message sometimes. I also think that general non-manipulative, upset people appreciate a stable not-upset person around them? I hope. (Does anyone have a non-manipulative case where they’re upset and want to upset everyone around them?)
Also! I think as an addendum to step 2, I would say find the 10 most common Things To Do that people appreciate, and start listing them if the person’s not articulate enough to given an answer. “Would you like a hug? Would you like a glass of water? Would you like to be left alone?, etc.” Hopefully that will cover most people and you won’t have to worry too much that you’re not Doing the Correct Thing because they will have said yes when you asked!
Here are some questions: What would you want others to do for you if you were crying or upset?
If I were crying? Not be there. Even if I never got it from my own family, the socialization for men not to cry in front of others is pretty strong. It might seem like a socially unenlightened perspective, but honestly, the embarrassment of having someone see me cry would probably be more acute than whatever comfort they would offer. I think that men are often at a loss dealing with crying people for this reason.
If I were upset, but not crying, then situation could go two ways. They could ask if I want to talk about what’s bothering me, and I say yes, and explain what I’m upset about. Realistically, I’ve already thought about ways to solve the issue, so I’ll be bothered if they try to contribute ways to solve the problem before I relate my thoughts on the matter. After having shared my distress, I’ll tend to feel somewhat better.
The other way it could go is that they ask if I want to talk about it, and I say no. I won’t do this out of a desire to seem tough or bottle things up, but because I honestly don’t trust or feel comfortable enough with the person to want to relate my concerns to them. In this case, I’ll feel worse than if they hadn’t asked at all, because by asking them to leave, I’ve been forced to signal my lack of solidarity with them. In this case, the best thing the person can do is leave without asking me anything, so I can deal with the issue myself without having to tell them that their presence will only make matters worse.
This contributes to my distress in dealing with crying people, because I know that if I were in their place, the same actions could make my mood better or worse depending on something the other person couldn’t be expected to know about.
This contributes to my distress in dealing with crying people, because I know that if I were in their place, the same actions could make my mood better or worse depending on something the other person couldn’t be expected to know about.
Yes! I definitely know that feeling. There are some times where people offering hugs is exactly what I need and there are times where hugs are exactly the opposite of what I need. This is kind of why I kind of think asking people stuff and requesting stuff are really the best policies, even if they don’t feel socially sensitive-looking enough sometimes and can be subverted by manipulative people.
I think that men are often at a loss dealing with crying people for this reason.
I think I understand? It’s like this unthinkable thing you can’t imagine happening to you so you don’t know what to do when it’s happening to someone else. But thinking about unthinkable things is useful and good for your brain! (One day, you might be around some onions or something.) I still think that specific “distress” reaction not useful, and maybe can be helped by working out a specific procedure and sticking to it like a robot even when you feel weird.
I’ve been in these absurd situations where a guy gets so upset that I’m crying, that I have to comfort him even though he did the thing that made me cry in the first place. I’ve also had people assume not crying about something means it’s not important. I think it would be nice to demystify crying as an imperfect physical process that doesn’t always correlate with importance, clarity, sensitivity, etc.
In my own entirely anecdotal experience, some crying people react very negatively to #2; a fewer number react negatively to #1. This procedure is far from universal.
I wish there was some way to prove that my procedure is optimal under uncertainty and we should just train everyone to use it, but I might be drastically overestimating the number of articulate-while-crying people or knowing-what-they-need-while-crying people or expect-you-to-read-mind-while-crying people. =P
Maybe someone could build a model and then we can take a huge poll to fill in the model numbers.
I may be one of the people you’d describe as reacting weirdly to the crying, and my reason for it is this.
In order to not be seen as an Insensitive Person, when someone you know starts crying in your presence, especially if it’s because of you, you’re obligated to Do Something about it.
I do not have a cache of appropriate procedures for Doing Something.
If you’ve ever been in a situation where you say exactly the wrong thing, and find yourself scrambling for a way to rectify the social faux pas (tvtropes link), that’s more or less what it feels like.
I’d like to propose another procedure!
“Are you okay?” This covers the Sensitivity angle by Showing Concern.
“Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?” This allows you to obtain a procedure for Doing Something, but not only are you Doing Something, you are also doing the exact Thing that the crying person wants you to do. Customization! Sometimes, crying people don’t want you to do anything, but also if they tell you something random at step 2 and see you actually do it, they might be more inclined to trust you with the actual Thing they want you to do.
I think this is pretty versatile!
I do tend to give responses like this, but they feel awfully fake to me. I may appear more authentic than I feel when giving them. One time I asked my mother if she would describe me as a warm person (I wouldn’t, but I wanted to know what other people thought,) she said that she generally wouldn’t, but sometimes I am, and gave an example of a time when she was distressed over a cancer scare, and when she started crying, I immediately walked up and hugged her.
But I also remembered that event very well, and to me, hugging her didn’t feel like a natural reaction to consoling someone in distress, it felt like “Crap, I am required to Do Something, what do I do?” and desperately searching for a socially appropriate response.
This probably makes me sound a lot more uncaring than I actually am. It’s certainly not that I don’t empathize with others’ distress, but I’m not nearly as emotive as I am emotional, and I become distressed when I feel like I suddenly have to signal compassion in a way that’s different from my response to actually feeling compassionate.
Not at all. It makes you sound exactly like I feel a lot of the time–as someone who didn’t naturally pick up a lot of social scripts, it just feels frustrating that people have these scripts, and expect you to know when and how follow them even though they’re completely counterintuitive, and that people care about how you appear, not your intentions (or what you actually get accomplished).
Fake it till you make it! And take this as consolation: plenty of people’s natural, instinctive responses to people in distress aren’t helpful. The fact that you’re actually thinking consciously about your response means you can notice over time what works and what doesn’t and adjust accordingly.
I definitely know what that feels like; whenever people come to me with a problem, I immediately start trying to solve it, which probably comes off as awful pushiness if they just wanted someone to signal compassion at them. But it comes from compassion! People with problems need to stop suffering from them as soon as possible! I only feel compelled to give people hugs when the problem is unsolvable, like someone dying. (As a result, I’m really bad at greeting-hugs.)
Here are some questions: What would you want others to do for you if you were crying or upset? How often do people actually do the thing you want? Because if it’s not that often, you may want to let them know. I think actually most people appreciate feeling helpful in situations like that. Like if someone is giving you a hug and you don’t want it, ask them to do something else instead? Eventually, they should condition to always do the other thing when you’re upset. Hopefully.
Personally, it really bothers me when people get distressed if I’m upset or crying, because it feels like they care more about making me stop than actually resolving the problem that caused it. Like the more they let me cry, the less I will like them later or something. Or as if my crying bothers them so much that they just want to shut it off. Whereas I prefer to sit there and cry until I figure out what I need from them. Therefore, I would argue that being distressed at upset people isn’t instrumental, because it sends this weirdly selfish message sometimes. I also think that general non-manipulative, upset people appreciate a stable not-upset person around them? I hope. (Does anyone have a non-manipulative case where they’re upset and want to upset everyone around them?)
Also! I think as an addendum to step 2, I would say find the 10 most common Things To Do that people appreciate, and start listing them if the person’s not articulate enough to given an answer. “Would you like a hug? Would you like a glass of water? Would you like to be left alone?, etc.” Hopefully that will cover most people and you won’t have to worry too much that you’re not Doing the Correct Thing because they will have said yes when you asked!
If I were crying? Not be there. Even if I never got it from my own family, the socialization for men not to cry in front of others is pretty strong. It might seem like a socially unenlightened perspective, but honestly, the embarrassment of having someone see me cry would probably be more acute than whatever comfort they would offer. I think that men are often at a loss dealing with crying people for this reason.
If I were upset, but not crying, then situation could go two ways. They could ask if I want to talk about what’s bothering me, and I say yes, and explain what I’m upset about. Realistically, I’ve already thought about ways to solve the issue, so I’ll be bothered if they try to contribute ways to solve the problem before I relate my thoughts on the matter. After having shared my distress, I’ll tend to feel somewhat better.
The other way it could go is that they ask if I want to talk about it, and I say no. I won’t do this out of a desire to seem tough or bottle things up, but because I honestly don’t trust or feel comfortable enough with the person to want to relate my concerns to them. In this case, I’ll feel worse than if they hadn’t asked at all, because by asking them to leave, I’ve been forced to signal my lack of solidarity with them. In this case, the best thing the person can do is leave without asking me anything, so I can deal with the issue myself without having to tell them that their presence will only make matters worse.
This contributes to my distress in dealing with crying people, because I know that if I were in their place, the same actions could make my mood better or worse depending on something the other person couldn’t be expected to know about.
Yes! I definitely know that feeling. There are some times where people offering hugs is exactly what I need and there are times where hugs are exactly the opposite of what I need. This is kind of why I kind of think asking people stuff and requesting stuff are really the best policies, even if they don’t feel socially sensitive-looking enough sometimes and can be subverted by manipulative people.
I think I understand? It’s like this unthinkable thing you can’t imagine happening to you so you don’t know what to do when it’s happening to someone else. But thinking about unthinkable things is useful and good for your brain! (One day, you might be around some onions or something.) I still think that specific “distress” reaction not useful, and maybe can be helped by working out a specific procedure and sticking to it like a robot even when you feel weird.
I’ve been in these absurd situations where a guy gets so upset that I’m crying, that I have to comfort him even though he did the thing that made me cry in the first place. I’ve also had people assume not crying about something means it’s not important. I think it would be nice to demystify crying as an imperfect physical process that doesn’t always correlate with importance, clarity, sensitivity, etc.
In my own entirely anecdotal experience, some crying people react very negatively to #2; a fewer number react negatively to #1. This procedure is far from universal.
I wish there was some way to prove that my procedure is optimal under uncertainty and we should just train everyone to use it, but I might be drastically overestimating the number of articulate-while-crying people or knowing-what-they-need-while-crying people or expect-you-to-read-mind-while-crying people. =P
Maybe someone could build a model and then we can take a huge poll to fill in the model numbers.