The only thing that’s more substantial in my mind was the idea of self quantification, which is the art and science of conducting scientific experiments and data logging on one self, for the purpose of self improvement.
“The only thing that’s more substantial in my mind” reads like an exageration. I would phrase it as “A much more substantial prospect in my mind”. (“Thing” is too vague. “Prospect” indicates you are hoping for something out of it.) I would also probably choose present tense “is” rather than past tense “was” because you still have the feeling, the past story is more about how you got there. Also it’s a bit long winded for an opening sentence so I would put a period after the first clause and start a new sentence defining the term “self-quantification” for unfamiliar readers. “A much more substantial prospect in my mind is the idea of self quantification. This is the …”
This idea was a lingering thought in my mind that had suddenly became active since The Atlantic ran a story about a computer scientist who self quantified himself and discovered that he have Crohn’s disease before his doctors.
Your description of the idea attributes objectivity where subjectivity is probably more appropriate. I would try to take the emphasis off the idea as an objective noun (which seems like you mean the idea as a whole, which obviously exists outside of your head) and instead use it as a synonym for a thought in your head that refers to the idea. “This was an idea that had lingered passively in my mind until recently when the Atlantic ran a story about …”
This story hit home with me. A few years ago, I have undiagnoised cohn’s disease that went on for a few months.
“Have” is present tense, you want to say “had”. Also “undiagnosed” is misspelled.
The doctors suggested several recommendations to no avail.
“Suggested several recommendations” is not quite right. It is redundant because “recommend” and “suggest” mean about the same thing. You wouldn’t say “suggested several suggestions” or “recommended several recommendations”. A better way would be “made several recommendations” or “suggested several things”, so that the emphasis is on one side or the other.
The side effects of the medication just made it mildly worse.
“Just” and “mildly” clash here because they both mean sort of the same thing but are in contrast. Try “actually made it mildly worse” or “just made it worse”.
Then, not long after summer vacation started, I was rushed to the ER after I suffered internal bleeding in the digestive tract, due to an ulcer in the digestive tract near a blood vein being opened(I am not sure if this is the correct mechanic).
This is where the story gets interesting. It might be a good place to start a new paragraph. The part about summer vacation distracts from the emphasis of being rushed to the ER. Also note that you mention the digestive tract twice which is redundant. Perhaps shorten to “The following summer, I had to be rushed to the ER because of internal bleeding. My digestive tract had developed an ulcer which had opened a blood vessel.”
Eventually, it led me to a new GI doctor who gave me a diagnosis of crohn’s disease after an endoscopy.
It is not really clear what you mean by “it” here. The surgery? The ulcer? Fate? Try to make the connection between the surgery and the diagnosis stronger. “The ulcer surgery was a success, and eventually led to my getting an endoscopy by a new GI doctor who diagnosed me with Chron’s Disease.
Then I experienced it again twice in the next school year, probably due to inattention.
It’s unclear whether you mean Chron’s Disease symptoms or the ulcer itself came back. Also unclear what inattention you are referring to—your own inattention to diet and exercise, doctor’s inattention to detail, or what.
I haven’t experienced it for 2 years now. Even today, I am still afraid that it will happens again.
“Happens” is a present tense, you need future tense so drop the s. Also, you could build on this to generate more emotion (which justifies your interest in self quantification and gets the reader interested). Try to contrast the 2 years of health with the bad times you had before, then contrast with your lingering anxiety. “I’ve been very fortunate not to experience any symptoms during the two years since that time, however I still constantly worry that it will happen again.”
Second paragraph:
“The only thing that’s more substantial in my mind” reads like an exageration. I would phrase it as “A much more substantial prospect in my mind”. (“Thing” is too vague. “Prospect” indicates you are hoping for something out of it.) I would also probably choose present tense “is” rather than past tense “was” because you still have the feeling, the past story is more about how you got there. Also it’s a bit long winded for an opening sentence so I would put a period after the first clause and start a new sentence defining the term “self-quantification” for unfamiliar readers. “A much more substantial prospect in my mind is the idea of self quantification. This is the …”
Your description of the idea attributes objectivity where subjectivity is probably more appropriate. I would try to take the emphasis off the idea as an objective noun (which seems like you mean the idea as a whole, which obviously exists outside of your head) and instead use it as a synonym for a thought in your head that refers to the idea. “This was an idea that had lingered passively in my mind until recently when the Atlantic ran a story about …”
“Have” is present tense, you want to say “had”. Also “undiagnosed” is misspelled.
“Suggested several recommendations” is not quite right. It is redundant because “recommend” and “suggest” mean about the same thing. You wouldn’t say “suggested several suggestions” or “recommended several recommendations”. A better way would be “made several recommendations” or “suggested several things”, so that the emphasis is on one side or the other.
“Just” and “mildly” clash here because they both mean sort of the same thing but are in contrast. Try “actually made it mildly worse” or “just made it worse”.
This is where the story gets interesting. It might be a good place to start a new paragraph. The part about summer vacation distracts from the emphasis of being rushed to the ER. Also note that you mention the digestive tract twice which is redundant. Perhaps shorten to “The following summer, I had to be rushed to the ER because of internal bleeding. My digestive tract had developed an ulcer which had opened a blood vessel.”
It is not really clear what you mean by “it” here. The surgery? The ulcer? Fate? Try to make the connection between the surgery and the diagnosis stronger. “The ulcer surgery was a success, and eventually led to my getting an endoscopy by a new GI doctor who diagnosed me with Chron’s Disease.
It’s unclear whether you mean Chron’s Disease symptoms or the ulcer itself came back. Also unclear what inattention you are referring to—your own inattention to diet and exercise, doctor’s inattention to detail, or what.
“Happens” is a present tense, you need future tense so drop the s. Also, you could build on this to generate more emotion (which justifies your interest in self quantification and gets the reader interested). Try to contrast the 2 years of health with the bad times you had before, then contrast with your lingering anxiety. “I’ve been very fortunate not to experience any symptoms during the two years since that time, however I still constantly worry that it will happen again.”
Thanks. I’ll incorporate the feedback back into my essay later tonight.