Thank you so much (for both your kind words and your constructive criticism)!
The point was intended to be about pollution and I appreciate you pointing out that it wasn’t strong/clear enough—that’s something I want to work on. In the same vein, the narrator’s intention with the garbage fished out of the creek would be to throw it out so it isn’t litter, but I agree I don’t really make that clear, especially since they call it “treasures” and say that they don’t see it as unnatural. This is one of a few pieces that I’ve written inspired by various Superfund sites in New Jersey. The specific one in question, https://semspub.epa.gov/work/02/437463.pdf, is not as serious as some of the other ones I’ve written about on the Passaic River, or the American Cyanamid site (here are some cool photos) near where I grew up. It was both a major fear and inspiration to me as a kid.
I also really like all the suggestions you made about the oak, both avoiding the “I characterized him” and making sure that I continue to use “he” and not “it”. That and the gimmick of the chemical names not being necessary throughout the whole piece—I was on and off about that myself, whether I should keep them in just that one paragraph or leave them in the whole piece, but now that I have a second opinion it makes sense to take the extras out.
Will make changes based on this and consider the ideas you describe here in my future writing—I appreciate you taking the time to write this. :)
Hello! My name is Cal. I’ve been a Slate Star Codex reader for years and read LessWrong occasionally, but just made an account for the first time today.
I would love some advice on improving my fiction writing. Writing short-form fiction has been a major hobby of mine for my entire life (really, starting at age 7 or 8), but I don’t think I’m particularly good at it, I just enjoy it a lot and enjoy reading other amateurs’ fiction as well. I’ve never tried to get anything published anywhere as I don’t think it’s at that level of quality.
Here is the smallest one of my stories. I would be incredibly appreciative of constructive criticism.