Thanks for the encouragement, I do intend to write more.
It’s only been a week since I removed myself from the situation, and I’m already starting to feel shocked at how much worse it was than I realized at the time. Seeing the faces and hearing the comments of friends and family when I tell them stories makes a world of difference. Not one person has told me I’m making a bad decision.
If you’d asked me 3 years ago if I could ever be in a situation like this I would have assigned it very very low probability. Low probability events happen, but I think what is more likely is that it’s a lot easier than I thought to become normalized to an increasingly toxic environment over time.
I think the best advice I could give so far is, if you think you’re in an abusive relationship, talk to people about it. On some level I knew something was very wrong, but I began lying to family and friends about what was going on. I did this both to protect her, and to protect our future relationships as a couple. I was always optimistic about getting to a better place, and I didn’t want people to hate her once we were there. I told my mother one small story once (far from the worst thing that had happened, and one story among many) and she called me in tears several weeks later saying she was worried I’d hate her for it but she had to tell me that she didn’t think the wedding was a good idea (we were engaged).
I’m going to write a lot over the coming weeks and will make a post here if I think I uncover any worthwhile advice.
Does anyone know of any posts or resources that are targeted at rationalists that help with extracting yourself and recovering from an abusive relationship?
I’ve been a longtime student of LessWrong and related communities, studied physics at a top school, great at programming, very introspective etc. etc. All the regular boxes checked. Just a week ago I left a relationship that I realized has become extremely abusive (both emotionally and physically) and I’m having a lot of trouble understanding how I ever got in that situation. Having intensely strong signals from my rational side (RUN RUN) and even stronger signals from my emotional side (GO BACK, YOU HAVE TO HELP HER) is a very uncomfortable position for me to be in and something I’ve never experienced before.
I had a moment of clarity a week ago after my significant other threatened in a calm, honest tone to give me sleeping pills, cut off certain of my body parts, and then make me watch her put them down the garbage disposal. I opened up to my entire family about everything going on over a frantically intense few hours because I realized soon I would go back to hiding what was going on so that everyone would continue to love her. They’ve rallied around me and prevented me from going back over the last week and it’s been the most difficult week of my life. I knew I’d need to hedge against my future decision making because in that moment of clarity I saw the abuse victim cycle I was in. I’ve intensely wanted to go back at times over the last week and I know I would have if not for people preventing and constantly reminding me not to.
On some level it’s fascinating. I’ve never been this irrational in my life. I can analyze the situation and output an answer that I know is correct intellectually… but every feeling I have is telling me the opposite, and they’re the strongest feelings I’ve ever had. It’s very uncomfortable and leaves me feeling like things would be easier if I just went back.
That was a bit long. I’ll stop there and write more if there is any interest.