Fair. I think the analysis I was giving could be steel-manned as: pretenders are only boundedly sophisticated; they can’t model the genuine mindset perfectly. So, saying what is actually on your mind (eg calling out the incentive issues which are making honesty difficult) can be a good strategy.
However, the “call out” strategy is not one I recall using very often; I think I wrote about it because other people have mentioned it, not because I’ve had sucess with it myself.
Thinking about it now, my main concerns are: 1. If the other person is being genuine, and I “call out” the perverse incentives that theoretically make genuine dialogue difficult in this circumstance, then the other person might stop being genuine due to perceiving me as not trusting them.
2. If the other person is not being genuine, then the “call out” strategy can backfire. For example, let’s say some travel plans are dependent on me (maybe I am the friend who owns a car) and someone is trying to confirm that I am happy to do this. Instead of just confirming, which is what they want, I “call out” that I feel like I’d be disappointing everyone if I said no. If they’re not genuinely concerned for my enthusiasm and instead disingenuously wanted me to make enthusiastic noises so that others didn’t feel I was being taken advantage of, then they could manipulatively take advantage of my revealed fear of letting the group down, somehow.
Fair. I think the analysis I was giving could be steel-manned as: pretenders are only boundedly sophisticated; they can’t model the genuine mindset perfectly. So, saying what is actually on your mind (eg calling out the incentive issues which are making honesty difficult) can be a good strategy.
However, the “call out” strategy is not one I recall using very often; I think I wrote about it because other people have mentioned it, not because I’ve had sucess with it myself.
Thinking about it now, my main concerns are:
1. If the other person is being genuine, and I “call out” the perverse incentives that theoretically make genuine dialogue difficult in this circumstance, then the other person might stop being genuine due to perceiving me as not trusting them.
2. If the other person is not being genuine, then the “call out” strategy can backfire. For example, let’s say some travel plans are dependent on me (maybe I am the friend who owns a car) and someone is trying to confirm that I am happy to do this. Instead of just confirming, which is what they want, I “call out” that I feel like I’d be disappointing everyone if I said no. If they’re not genuinely concerned for my enthusiasm and instead disingenuously wanted me to make enthusiastic noises so that others didn’t feel I was being taken advantage of, then they could manipulatively take advantage of my revealed fear of letting the group down, somehow.