Sure, I can explain. Bear in mind that this is all based on my personal experiences (male, atheist, mid-to-late 20s, college degree, lives in Seattle, WA, only interested in dating women) and that although I have developed it over around four years I’m not claiming I’ve found the perfect strategy so far.
First of all, filter match ratios pretty hard. Anybody below a 90% is probably not worth checking unless they checked you first, below an 80% not even then. Above that it starts being more a matter of enemy ratio; above 10% is probably not worth it, above 15% quite unlikely. 95%+ match and 5%- enemy is always worth checking out.
Next, take a quick look for dealbreakers (you do have a list of dealbreakers, right? Not things like “overweight” unless you are super opposed to that, but things like being a smoker, or “I don’t really read stuff, lol”, or being significantly religious). Many people also list their dealbreakers; make sure you aren’t on them (sometimes it’s little stuff, like having a beard or being too short; seems silly but just move on and don’t waste the time). Distance or location is common one; not all 25 mile distances (or whatever threshold you set) are created equal. Relationship type (poly/open or monogamous) can often be a dealbreaker too.
OK, she’s a good match and there’s no dealbreakers. Take a look at her profile essays. There should be a few things that jump out at you; a show you both like, a book you want to read but haven’t yet, an interesting career path, a shared love of some sport or activity, etc. If you can’t find anything like that and want to dig deeper, you can check her photos for interesting scenes or captions—some people are just bad at writing profile essays, but reveal themselves to be interesting in other ways—but in general if you don’t have at least 3 things that really stand out as interesting it’s not worth the time.
Now you’ve got a good basis for a message, you just need the form of it. I tend to start with a simple “Hello” or “Hi there!”, or possibly something a little silly like “Greetings, fellow -lover!”. Don’t talk about yourself much, except to say things like “I just got back from , and it was awesome!” or “I see you’re also a fan of , have you read ?” Aim for 2-3 paragraphs; it’s totally fine to save some of your “hey, I like …” for a subsequent message and is probably a better idea than letting the first one go on too long.
A few DOs and DON’Ts: Don’t ask to meet right away, unless she expresses an interest in that herself. Save it for at least the second message, after she shows an interest in you. Do put your (first) name at the bottom; some women will be hesitant to share their name, but there’s nothing wrong with sharing yours. Don’t talk about tricky subjects in the first message (it’s cool to indicate a general alignment with their views—say, cheer for legalized gay marriage, or whatever—but don’t go into detail on your thoughts). Do comment on / ask about specific things from her profile and make it clear you actually read it. Don’t compliment her appearance (possibly unless you can pull it off suave as fuck); that’s better saved for an in-person date. Don’t include your phone number right away, again unless she has already indicated a preference for meeting up right away (most women will want to exchange at least a couple messages first).
You can “Like” the profile or not, as you wish; I don’t think it makes a huge difference either way if she doesn’t “Like” you first. If she does (or if you tag her and she tags you back) then that’s definitely a good sign, and you should put the effort into your message. Don’t make her wait too long!
If she writes back, the optimal response will depend a lot on what she says and this comment is already super-long so I won’t try to go into that. However, one thing I’ve found: do not keep the conversation going forever in messaging/email (though moving off the site messaging and switching to email after a round trip or two is reasonable and may feel a little more personal). If she hasn’t at least dropped a hint about meeting by her third message, suggest meeting in person, possibly over some food you both like or similar (keep it casual and low-key). If she doesn’t show signs of interest in the next reply, I usually don’t pursue it much more.
Sure, I can explain. Bear in mind that this is all based on my personal experiences (male, atheist, mid-to-late 20s, college degree, lives in Seattle, WA, only interested in dating women) and that although I have developed it over around four years I’m not claiming I’ve found the perfect strategy so far.
First of all, filter match ratios pretty hard. Anybody below a 90% is probably not worth checking unless they checked you first, below an 80% not even then. Above that it starts being more a matter of enemy ratio; above 10% is probably not worth it, above 15% quite unlikely. 95%+ match and 5%- enemy is always worth checking out.
Next, take a quick look for dealbreakers (you do have a list of dealbreakers, right? Not things like “overweight” unless you are super opposed to that, but things like being a smoker, or “I don’t really read stuff, lol”, or being significantly religious). Many people also list their dealbreakers; make sure you aren’t on them (sometimes it’s little stuff, like having a beard or being too short; seems silly but just move on and don’t waste the time). Distance or location is common one; not all 25 mile distances (or whatever threshold you set) are created equal. Relationship type (poly/open or monogamous) can often be a dealbreaker too.
OK, she’s a good match and there’s no dealbreakers. Take a look at her profile essays. There should be a few things that jump out at you; a show you both like, a book you want to read but haven’t yet, an interesting career path, a shared love of some sport or activity, etc. If you can’t find anything like that and want to dig deeper, you can check her photos for interesting scenes or captions—some people are just bad at writing profile essays, but reveal themselves to be interesting in other ways—but in general if you don’t have at least 3 things that really stand out as interesting it’s not worth the time.
Now you’ve got a good basis for a message, you just need the form of it. I tend to start with a simple “Hello” or “Hi there!”, or possibly something a little silly like “Greetings, fellow -lover!”. Don’t talk about yourself much, except to say things like “I just got back from , and it was awesome!” or “I see you’re also a fan of , have you read ?” Aim for 2-3 paragraphs; it’s totally fine to save some of your “hey, I like …” for a subsequent message and is probably a better idea than letting the first one go on too long.
A few DOs and DON’Ts: Don’t ask to meet right away, unless she expresses an interest in that herself. Save it for at least the second message, after she shows an interest in you. Do put your (first) name at the bottom; some women will be hesitant to share their name, but there’s nothing wrong with sharing yours. Don’t talk about tricky subjects in the first message (it’s cool to indicate a general alignment with their views—say, cheer for legalized gay marriage, or whatever—but don’t go into detail on your thoughts). Do comment on / ask about specific things from her profile and make it clear you actually read it. Don’t compliment her appearance (possibly unless you can pull it off suave as fuck); that’s better saved for an in-person date. Don’t include your phone number right away, again unless she has already indicated a preference for meeting up right away (most women will want to exchange at least a couple messages first).
You can “Like” the profile or not, as you wish; I don’t think it makes a huge difference either way if she doesn’t “Like” you first. If she does (or if you tag her and she tags you back) then that’s definitely a good sign, and you should put the effort into your message. Don’t make her wait too long!
If she writes back, the optimal response will depend a lot on what she says and this comment is already super-long so I won’t try to go into that. However, one thing I’ve found: do not keep the conversation going forever in messaging/email (though moving off the site messaging and switching to email after a round trip or two is reasonable and may feel a little more personal). If she hasn’t at least dropped a hint about meeting by her third message, suggest meeting in person, possibly over some food you both like or similar (keep it casual and low-key). If she doesn’t show signs of interest in the next reply, I usually don’t pursue it much more.