I feel confused. I have been exactly betrayed, and I have betrayed other; it’s when someone promises something and then doesn’t do it. Were I to complain about being betrayed, I would not speak about anger or hurt; in “normal” speech that would mean that I have stopped demanding the actual promised thing itself and the other person now has a right to “ok, we can talk when you are less upset” or some other grown-up answer. After all, anger is a passing thing, isn’t it. It creates no obligations.
(But I also don’t understand why “betrayed” and “manipulated” are not allowed, and “hurt” and “used” are.)
(“Used” would also not be allowed; the person was just going too fast to be corrected.)
The reason NVC claims that “betrayed” and “manipulated” and “used” are not feelings, where “hurt” is, is that the former three all include models and beliefs about the world, while the latter does not.
NVC builds a very high wall between “the feeling you’re feeling” and “the story you’re telling about why you feel that way.”
I agree it causes problems, if one person is using NVC and the other one isn’t/doesn’t understand how it works or why it’s being done.
Ah, now it’s clear. Thank you. But how then Y would relate his the model of the world to X after X lost (or “lost”) Y’s research samples and never said a thing until Y tried to find them in the fridge? Using the NVC, I mean. (I myself would not speak to X at all.)
I feel confused. I have been exactly betrayed, and I have betrayed other; it’s when someone promises something and then doesn’t do it. Were I to complain about being betrayed, I would not speak about anger or hurt; in “normal” speech that would mean that I have stopped demanding the actual promised thing itself and the other person now has a right to “ok, we can talk when you are less upset” or some other grown-up answer. After all, anger is a passing thing, isn’t it. It creates no obligations.
(But I also don’t understand why “betrayed” and “manipulated” are not allowed, and “hurt” and “used” are.)
(“Used” would also not be allowed; the person was just going too fast to be corrected.)
The reason NVC claims that “betrayed” and “manipulated” and “used” are not feelings, where “hurt” is, is that the former three all include models and beliefs about the world, while the latter does not.
NVC builds a very high wall between “the feeling you’re feeling” and “the story you’re telling about why you feel that way.”
I agree it causes problems, if one person is using NVC and the other one isn’t/doesn’t understand how it works or why it’s being done.
Ah, now it’s clear. Thank you. But how then Y would relate his the model of the world to X after X lost (or “lost”) Y’s research samples and never said a thing until Y tried to find them in the fridge? Using the NVC, I mean. (I myself would not speak to X at all.)
They would separately say “I feel hurt and angry” and “I believe that you lied.”