One of the things that consistently sticks out to me about human connections is how dependent they are on shared experience. What is more, it seems to me that negative experiences build bonds much more effectively than positive ones do. Consider the difference between these two scenarios:
1. You and a friend both like a band, and plan to go see them in concert. The day of comes, you go to the concert, have a good time, and come home.
2. You and a friend both like a band, and plan to go see them in concert. The day of comes, but on the way to the concert the car blows a tire. You spend a few hours on the side of the road between fussing with trying to get the tire changed and/or waiting for a tow-truck.
If we assume that both of you handle the situation normally, then I expect that most people would feel closer to their friend after scenario 2. Without shared negative experiences, there are whole dimensions of a person you will never see. Further, seeing them acquit themselves well when the chips are down is how you know whether you can rely on them.
It seems to me that arguing with your friends does this in a controlled way for beliefs. When we establish disagreement, we have a situation where people normally do not listen or show hostility. If they listen anyway, and don’t show hostility even when they reasonably might, that’s a good signal the quality of the friend.
One of the things that consistently sticks out to me about human connections is how dependent they are on shared experience. What is more, it seems to me that negative experiences build bonds much more effectively than positive ones do. Consider the difference between these two scenarios:
1. You and a friend both like a band, and plan to go see them in concert. The day of comes, you go to the concert, have a good time, and come home.
2. You and a friend both like a band, and plan to go see them in concert. The day of comes, but on the way to the concert the car blows a tire. You spend a few hours on the side of the road between fussing with trying to get the tire changed and/or waiting for a tow-truck.
If we assume that both of you handle the situation normally, then I expect that most people would feel closer to their friend after scenario 2. Without shared negative experiences, there are whole dimensions of a person you will never see. Further, seeing them acquit themselves well when the chips are down is how you know whether you can rely on them.
It seems to me that arguing with your friends does this in a controlled way for beliefs. When we establish disagreement, we have a situation where people normally do not listen or show hostility. If they listen anyway, and don’t show hostility even when they reasonably might, that’s a good signal the quality of the friend.