Don’t poly folks want to feel special to their partners?
Well, with my closer, romantic partners, yes.
But being in the top 4 is special enough for me. I don’t need to be someone’s world, I don’t WANT to be someone’s world, I just want to be one of the people they think of first.
Because seeing my partner being emotionally or physically intimate with someone else (or knowing they were, even without seeing it) = immediate non-specialness. How could you be special if you’re so easily replaceable by others in the harem? Enlightenment me, please, for I am confused.
A) harem is the wrong term IMO. There are poly people who have harems (and are thereby members of harems, for poly is generally symmetrical) but most I know don’t bother with such purely sexual relationships.
B) I am not easily replaced by any of my paramours. In one of my relationhips, I am the primary, the one who is lived with, and the one she comes home to. No other partner supplies that role. In the other relationship, I am her pet, her submissive, a perfect servant (a state I thoroughly enjoy on occasion, but could not live with 24⁄7). None of her other partners could adopt that role.
Poly people will rarely have two partners alike. Each partner provides something unique, that no-one else does.
And poly removes the big fear of monogamy: if one of my partners finds someone who supplies something I don’t, they won’t leave me for that person, because I supply something that person doesn’t. The relationship will only end if it becomes a negative, rather than merely if it isn’t the best available.
IOW: Poly makes me feel LESS replaceable. Because I fill a unique slot, that isn’t just the “relationship” slot, I can’t be replaced by anyone else.
That said, if you’re really happy, I’m happy for you, and I apologize for rocking the boat, if I have.
If someone’s poly situation is so vulnerable that your questions would knock them out of it, then it is probably a good thing that they be knocked out of it now; and have a chance to reconsider, before they get in any deeper.
If someone’s poly situation is so vulnerable [...]
Mainly I was concerned on behalf of Alicorn, because she just recently hacked herself into it, and also because she and MBlume had split up previously for whatever reason. That made it feel potentially more fragile than longer-established poly relationships, hence my comment.
Well, from the post, I would say that they are off for a good start. She put together a list of motivations, and she said she was already “naturally predisposed” for that sort of thing (I would guess a jealous person, or someone with strongly rooted convinctions about monogamy woulnd’t have ever thought to give it a try, and would have just said to MBlume “no thanks”, walked off, and tried to find another suitable partner). She might not have thought of poly in the first place, and the original motivation to enter into this kind of relationship might have had more to do with her desire to date MBlume (to her, it must have been a rather serious perk: she decided to go live in another place, she changed a rather important part of her life) than with her innate curiosity about that kind of life-style, but judging from her initial outlook, even before deciding to give it a try she didn’t seem too adverse to it (I would say she might even have considered it anyway, some years down the road, given the right stimulus). And even in the events of things ending badly… well, it’s not as if she couldn’t go back to the way things were before.
I will say this: she didn’t mention any jealousy, on either part, and the “ground rules” she put in place seem to have reassured her of her status, so I would say that her odds are pretty good. The fact that she feels confortable enough with her boyfriend to tell him “stay home with me, tonight” or to put down some rules about marriage and the prospect of children seems to indicate that they have pretty good communication, which is the most important thing anyway (the situation might have been different had MBlume’s girlfriend been in a primary relationship with him, at the time, because then Alicorn could have ended up in a “subordinate” position and I guess she woulnd’t have enjoyed being the third wheel).
(the situation might have been different had MBlume’s girlfriend been in a primary relationship with him, at the time, because then Alicorn could have ended up in a “subordinate” position and I guess she woulnd’t have enjoyed being the third wheel).
We were in a sort of pseudo-primary situation which wasn’t working that well. She broke up with me just as Alicorn and I were about to start seriously talking about how this would work, so the point became moot (though it did trigger a lot of concern on my end over whether I might be rebounding).
Well, with my closer, romantic partners, yes.
But being in the top 4 is special enough for me. I don’t need to be someone’s world, I don’t WANT to be someone’s world, I just want to be one of the people they think of first.
A) harem is the wrong term IMO. There are poly people who have harems (and are thereby members of harems, for poly is generally symmetrical) but most I know don’t bother with such purely sexual relationships.
B) I am not easily replaced by any of my paramours. In one of my relationhips, I am the primary, the one who is lived with, and the one she comes home to. No other partner supplies that role. In the other relationship, I am her pet, her submissive, a perfect servant (a state I thoroughly enjoy on occasion, but could not live with 24⁄7). None of her other partners could adopt that role.
Poly people will rarely have two partners alike. Each partner provides something unique, that no-one else does.
And poly removes the big fear of monogamy: if one of my partners finds someone who supplies something I don’t, they won’t leave me for that person, because I supply something that person doesn’t. The relationship will only end if it becomes a negative, rather than merely if it isn’t the best available.
IOW: Poly makes me feel LESS replaceable. Because I fill a unique slot, that isn’t just the “relationship” slot, I can’t be replaced by anyone else.
If someone’s poly situation is so vulnerable that your questions would knock them out of it, then it is probably a good thing that they be knocked out of it now; and have a chance to reconsider, before they get in any deeper.
Interesting. Thank you.
Mainly I was concerned on behalf of Alicorn, because she just recently hacked herself into it, and also because she and MBlume had split up previously for whatever reason. That made it feel potentially more fragile than longer-established poly relationships, hence my comment.
Well, from the post, I would say that they are off for a good start. She put together a list of motivations, and she said she was already “naturally predisposed” for that sort of thing (I would guess a jealous person, or someone with strongly rooted convinctions about monogamy woulnd’t have ever thought to give it a try, and would have just said to MBlume “no thanks”, walked off, and tried to find another suitable partner). She might not have thought of poly in the first place, and the original motivation to enter into this kind of relationship might have had more to do with her desire to date MBlume (to her, it must have been a rather serious perk: she decided to go live in another place, she changed a rather important part of her life) than with her innate curiosity about that kind of life-style, but judging from her initial outlook, even before deciding to give it a try she didn’t seem too adverse to it (I would say she might even have considered it anyway, some years down the road, given the right stimulus). And even in the events of things ending badly… well, it’s not as if she couldn’t go back to the way things were before.
I will say this: she didn’t mention any jealousy, on either part, and the “ground rules” she put in place seem to have reassured her of her status, so I would say that her odds are pretty good. The fact that she feels confortable enough with her boyfriend to tell him “stay home with me, tonight” or to put down some rules about marriage and the prospect of children seems to indicate that they have pretty good communication, which is the most important thing anyway (the situation might have been different had MBlume’s girlfriend been in a primary relationship with him, at the time, because then Alicorn could have ended up in a “subordinate” position and I guess she woulnd’t have enjoyed being the third wheel).
We were in a sort of pseudo-primary situation which wasn’t working that well. She broke up with me just as Alicorn and I were about to start seriously talking about how this would work, so the point became moot (though it did trigger a lot of concern on my end over whether I might be rebounding).
I agree with all of this.
You said what I tried to say, but better. Thank you.