They would be assholes for forming a grudge in the situations and carrying an indirect revenge whether I detect it or not.
“Revenge” is a phrase that implies intent.
Let’s say someone invites you for a dinner party. Then you comment on how their food could be improved when they ask for a honest opinion of their cooking.
Some time later the person thinks about throwing a dinner party and about who to invite. They are going to do this likely by thinking of possible invities and seeing what kind of emotional reaction they feel about whether it would be good to invite the person.
The act of having received your feedback does affect the emotional reaction even when the person doesn’t remember the incident. There’s likely some emotional tension and that makes it less likely that they invite you without them having any ill-will they reasoned about.
This can even happen when the person judges the feedback as welcome on a system II level.
I do point out that the emotional experience can also be positive which would increase my invitation chances.
I don’t know what would be good terminology but I think system 1 reactions are not above critisms. For example if someone feels genuine disgust towards ethnicities that are not their own but verbally and formally is commited to equal treatment of all people I would still be tempted use words like “concerning” or “ugly”.
Likewise in the use of deadly force for self-defence if you get easily frightened to “life in danger” levels it means more violence is permissible in more varied situations. If you get differentially more afraid towards certain groups of people it can weaken their right to life. I can undertstand how this could feel very unfair and in some non-staighforward way it is not fair. But on the other hand I would not want for person in fear of their life need to hesitate for fear of punishment. But I think there is such a thing as “fearing irresponcibly”. An arachnophobe going into a house full of spiders and he ends up burning the house because he was killing spiders with fire in panic I would not classify as a total accident.
What we are mainly discussing here is not that extreme but I still think it’s not automatically wrong to hold someone responcible for their feelings, althought it does need special care and in a signifcantly modified sense.
For example if I would feel negatively for not getting invited that would not be unproportionate responce.
Whether the emotional experience is positive depends on the ability of the person you are dealing with do deal with feedback and your own ability to give good feedback.
It doesn’t depend on whether the other person wants to get feedback on the system II level.
I think you are likely underrating how much unproductive social behavior most people engage in because of emotional reasons. Likely, including yourself.
“Revenge” is a phrase that implies intent.
Let’s say someone invites you for a dinner party. Then you comment on how their food could be improved when they ask for a honest opinion of their cooking.
Some time later the person thinks about throwing a dinner party and about who to invite. They are going to do this likely by thinking of possible invities and seeing what kind of emotional reaction they feel about whether it would be good to invite the person.
The act of having received your feedback does affect the emotional reaction even when the person doesn’t remember the incident. There’s likely some emotional tension and that makes it less likely that they invite you without them having any ill-will they reasoned about.
This can even happen when the person judges the feedback as welcome on a system II level.
Well described important effect.
I do point out that the emotional experience can also be positive which would increase my invitation chances.
I don’t know what would be good terminology but I think system 1 reactions are not above critisms. For example if someone feels genuine disgust towards ethnicities that are not their own but verbally and formally is commited to equal treatment of all people I would still be tempted use words like “concerning” or “ugly”.
Likewise in the use of deadly force for self-defence if you get easily frightened to “life in danger” levels it means more violence is permissible in more varied situations. If you get differentially more afraid towards certain groups of people it can weaken their right to life. I can undertstand how this could feel very unfair and in some non-staighforward way it is not fair. But on the other hand I would not want for person in fear of their life need to hesitate for fear of punishment. But I think there is such a thing as “fearing irresponcibly”. An arachnophobe going into a house full of spiders and he ends up burning the house because he was killing spiders with fire in panic I would not classify as a total accident.
What we are mainly discussing here is not that extreme but I still think it’s not automatically wrong to hold someone responcible for their feelings, althought it does need special care and in a signifcantly modified sense.
For example if I would feel negatively for not getting invited that would not be unproportionate responce.
Whether the emotional experience is positive depends on the ability of the person you are dealing with do deal with feedback and your own ability to give good feedback.
It doesn’t depend on whether the other person wants to get feedback on the system II level.
I think you are likely underrating how much unproductive social behavior most people engage in because of emotional reasons. Likely, including yourself.