I think it’s not a reasonable norm to make sure your interlocutors never e.g. feel dismissed/disrespected, but it is reasonable to take some measures to avoid having someone consistently feel dismissed/disrespected if you spend over 200 hours talking with their team and loosely mentoring them (which to be clear Nate did, it’s just difficult in his position and so was only mildly successful).
I’m not sure kindness/warmth should even be a norm because it’s pretty difficult to define.
The details matter here; I don’t feel I can guess from what you’ve said whether we’d agree or not.
For example:
Tam: says some idea about alignment
Newt: says some particular flaw ”...and this is an instance of a general problem, which you’ll have to address if you want to make progress...” gestures a bit at the general problem
Tam: makes a tweak to the proposal that locally addresses the particular flaw
Newt: “This still doesn’t address the problem.”
Tam: “But it seems to solve the concrete problem, at least as you stated it. It’s not obvious to me that there’s a general problem here; if we can solve instances of it case-by-case, that seems like a lot of progress.”
Newt: “Look, we could play this game for some more rounds, where you add more gears and boxes to make it harder to see that there’s a problem that isn’t being addressed at all, and maybe after a few rounds you’ll get the point. But can we just skip ahead to you generalizing to the class of problem, or at least trying to do that on your own?”
Tam: feels dismissed/disrespected
I think Newt could have been more graceful and more helpful, e.g. explicitly stating that he’s had a history of conversations like this, and setting boundaries about how much effort he feels exciting about putting in, and using body language that is non-conflictual… But even if he doesn’t do that, I don’t really think he’s violating a norm here. And depending on context this sort of behavior might be about as well as Newt can do for now.
I think it’s not a reasonable norm to make sure your interlocutors never e.g. feel dismissed/disrespected, but it is reasonable to take some measures to avoid having someone consistently feel dismissed/disrespected if you spend over 200 hours talking with their team and loosely mentoring them (which to be clear Nate did, it’s just difficult in his position and so was only mildly successful).
I’m not sure kindness/warmth should even be a norm because it’s pretty difficult to define.
The details matter here; I don’t feel I can guess from what you’ve said whether we’d agree or not.
For example:
Tam: says some idea about alignment
Newt: says some particular flaw ”...and this is an instance of a general problem, which you’ll have to address if you want to make progress...” gestures a bit at the general problem
Tam: makes a tweak to the proposal that locally addresses the particular flaw
Newt: “This still doesn’t address the problem.”
Tam: “But it seems to solve the concrete problem, at least as you stated it. It’s not obvious to me that there’s a general problem here; if we can solve instances of it case-by-case, that seems like a lot of progress.”
Newt: “Look, we could play this game for some more rounds, where you add more gears and boxes to make it harder to see that there’s a problem that isn’t being addressed at all, and maybe after a few rounds you’ll get the point. But can we just skip ahead to you generalizing to the class of problem, or at least trying to do that on your own?”
Tam: feels dismissed/disrespected
I think Newt could have been more graceful and more helpful, e.g. explicitly stating that he’s had a history of conversations like this, and setting boundaries about how much effort he feels exciting about putting in, and using body language that is non-conflictual… But even if he doesn’t do that, I don’t really think he’s violating a norm here. And depending on context this sort of behavior might be about as well as Newt can do for now.