This was indeed a big screwup on my part. Again, I’m really sorry I broke your trust.
juliawise
Notes from “Don’t Shoot the Dog”
What are the results of more parental supervision and less outdoor play?
Notes on “The Anthropology of Childhood”
Raising children on the eve of AI
Experiences in applying “The Biodeterminist’s Guide to Parenting”
Experiences raising children in shared housing
Nose / throat treatments for respiratory infections
CEA regards it as one of our mistakes that the Pareto Fellowship was a CEA program, but our senior management didn’t provide enough oversight of how the program was being run. To Beth and other participants or applicants who found it misleading or harmful in some way—we’re sorry.
Unfortunately, this one illustrates that there isn’t a hard-and-fast creepy definition. I was at a party, and a man was there who had been showing social but not physical interest in me was there. I was sitting on an empty sofa and he sat down right next to me so our sides were touching, which I found creepy.
But later in the evening a higher-status and more attractive man did basically the same, and I was pleased rather than creeped out. So the creepiness of an action depends on how much I like the person who does it.
Ironically, I’m now friends with the first man (who no longer hits on me) and not with the second (who has probably forgotten I exist.)
- 15 Apr 2013 14:40 UTC; 13 points) 's comment on LW Women Submissions: On Misogyny by (
Career choice for a utilitarian giver
Both messages are only about the past/current state of things and leave no room for “The old model stinks, and I hope your generation will continue changing it.”
I prepared for adulthood/marriage on the old model, and it did not serve me well. It was like getting a job only to find that my typewriter skills weren’t needed. Early on we had a series of dinnertime arguments that boiled down to: “Have some more food.” “No, thanks, I’m done.” “I cooked you this Good Food because I am a Good Wife! Why can’t you appreciate the work I put into being good at this? Eat the damn food!”
If I were the host I would not like it if one of my guests tried to end a conversation with “We’ll have to agree to disagree” and the other guest continued with “No, we can’t, actually. There’s a theorem of rationality called Aumann’s Agreement Theorem which shows that no two rationalists can agree to disagree.” In my book this is obnoxious behavior.
Having fun at someone else’s expense is one thing, but holding it up in an early core sequences post as a good thing to do is another. Given that we direct new Less Wrong readers to the core sequence posts, I think they indicate what the spirit of the community is about. And I don’t like seeing the community branded as being about how to show off or how to embarrass people who aren’t as rational as you.
What gave me an icky feeling about this conversation is that Eliezer didn’t seem to really be aiming to bring the man round to what he saw as a more accurate viewpoint. If you’ve read Eliezer being persuasive, you’ll know that this was not it. He seemed more interested in proving that the man’s statement was wrong. It’s a good thing to learn to lose graciously when they’re wrong, and learn from the experience. But that’s not something you can force someone to learn from the outside. I don’t think the other man walked away from this experience improved, and I don’t think that was Eliezer’s goal.
I, like you, love a good argument with someone who also enjoys it. But to continue arguing with someone who’s not enjoying it feels sadistic to me.
If I were in this conversation, I would try to frame it as a mutual exploration rather than a mission to discover which of us was wrong. At the point where the other tried to shut down the conversation, I might say, “Wait, I think we were getting to something interesting, and I want to understand what you meant when you said...” Then proceed to poke holes, but in a curious rather than professorial way.
Yeah, when I looked into cohousing this is what I concluded too. My husband and I ended up buying a house with 6 bedrooms and occupying two of them (then adding two more family members and building two more bedrooms.) None of our housemates would have bought in because they’re not sure how long-term they want to be here, but they’re happy to be renters and we’re happy to own the building.
To us it’s important that the arrangement be flexible; rather than a single big house we bought a house that had been divided into two apartments, so if we ever want to stop having housemates or we can’t find housemates who want to live with us, we can pick the smaller or the larger apartment and rent the other one out. There’s also some possibility of our kids wanting to rent from us in 20 years, which we think will work better if they can have their own apartment. I wouldn’t have wanted to sink our savings into something that would really only work in one configuration.
Book notes: “The Origins of You: How Childhood Shapes Later Life”
Secular Solstice for children
Resource on alcohol problems
We have a tendency to escalate—if wearing a halter top could mean “it’s hot out”, some people will take it to mean “I want strangers to hit on me.” If you wear a bracelet whose official meaning is “I want strangers to hit on me,” some people will assume the wearer wants a step farther than that.
When Emma Goldman published essays in favor of “free love” (sex outside marriage) in 1910, she began to have trouble with men banging on her hotel door in the middle of the night, thinking that this meant she was sexually available to anyone at any time.
So my guess is that people wearing such bracelets would get more wanted attention but also more unwanted attention.
War is something we do to win. Dance is something we do either to entertain others, or for our own enjoyment. Debate teams work like this—you’re assigned a position which you must argue, even if you don’t believe it. The performers/debaters do it some for their own pleasure, and they attract audiences who come to be entertained. My husband and I do a lot of arguing/debate for amusement, which is more like social dance in that it’s playful and designed to entertain us rather than to accomplish any other goal.
But neither of these metaphors deal with objective truth. If I win a war, a debate, or a lawsuit, it doesn’t prove my point is correct. It just means I fought or argued more skillfully or impressively. In navigation, both skill and objective truth are involved. Imagine two people who are trying to reach a destination (representing truth). They need skill to figure out how to get there, and can even compete for who gets there first (as in the sport of orienteering). Or, they can collaborate to find it together. If I confidently and stylishly navigate in the wrong direction, I won’t reach my destination. I can only get there by reading the signs correctly.
I would prefer serious argument to be more about truth-seeking and less about showing off or defeating the opponent.
To add detail about my mistake:
When you asked if you could confidentially send me a draft of your post about Will’s book to check, I said yes.
The next week you sent me a couple more emails with different versions of the draft. When I saw that the draft was 18 pages of technical material, I realized I wasn’t going to be a good person to review it. That’s when I forwarded to someone on Will’s team asking if they could look at it instead of me.
I should never have done that, because your original email asked me not to share it with anyone. For what it’s worth, the way that this happened is that when I was deciding what to do with the last email in the chain, I didn’t remember and didn’t check that the first email in the chain requested confidentiality. This was careless of me, and I’m very sorry about it.
I think the underlying mistake I made was not having this kind of situation flagged as sensitive in my mind, which contributed to my forgetting the original confidentiality request. If the initial email had been about some more personal situation, I am much more sure it would have been flagged in my mind as confidential. But because this was a critique of a book, I had it flagged as something like “document review” in my mind. This doesn’t excuse my mistake—and any breach of trust is a serious problem given my role—but I hope it helps show that it wasn’t intentional.
I now try to be much more careful about situations where I might make a similar mistake.