More advice: Only date grown-ups. While it’s addressed to polyamorists, it seems generally applicable. If you wanted to identify grown-ups (as defined in the link) on OKCupid and/or to present yourself as a grown-up, how would you do it?
Ha. I have I bad habit of using the word “grown-ups” approximately the way the author of that article does—to refer to people who are mature, capable, and at least somewhat self-aware. I call it a bad habit because it’s pretty rude to adults who do not meet that description, and they are not necessarily bad people who deserve to be insulted. But in any case, it made the headline make instant sense to me.
Do I like socializing best one on one or in a group?
!! This was one of the first things on my list of relationship axes (various spectra of traits that are important in a partner). It’s good to hear I’m not the only one who thinks so. In general, this list is a great answer to the brainstorm I started in the OKC discussion thread.
That’s a great link; thanks. I’m already familiar with a lot of those ideas these days; I wish I had been two years ago.
One way to find grown-ups would be to watch out for red flags which indicate not-grown-up. I dated someone for a while who always talked like his hands were tied by circumstance—lots of “I can’t,” very little acknowledgement that he had agency. I found it really irritating because it made it seem like he couldn’t deal with obstacles in everyday life. That’s a non-grown-up trait.
But of course, the same guy was also really good at communicating clearly, expressing needs, and respecting boundaries. (I still remember the obligatory pre-first-sex conversation: “Shall we get the safety talk out of the way?” “Sure. I’ve been exposed to x but do not have it, was tested y long ago, and have done z since then.” “Okay. I’ve done …” etc.) In that sense he was really a pleasure to have as a partner, and very much a grown-up.
This reminds me of Havi Brooks’s theory of kosher marketing, which goes roughly “anyone who self-markets less than you is too timid, and anyone who self-markets more than you is obnoxious.” You can apply it to a lot of things. “Anyone who’s tidier than you is a neat freak; anyone who’s messier than you is a slob.” Including, of course, being a grown-up. “Anyone who’s more mature than you is parsimonious (or condescending); anyone who’s less mature than you is a child.” It’s not so much two boxes as a spectrum; perhaps the right goal is just to find someone who’s about as mature as you are. That way neither of you is a “child” to the other.
I’m not sure there’s a way to determine that before you know someone fairly well, though. You could probably devise a set of questions to evaluate it, but they’d have to be subtle, and still might only tell you what the person aspires to be. But that’s not useless information. Good questions, I suspect, would reveal by the person’s willingness to discuss them than by the answers—like the sex discussion above. That he maintains safe practices spoke well of him, to be sure, but the really good sign was that he was happy to discuss that openly.
More advice: Only date grown-ups. While it’s addressed to polyamorists, it seems generally applicable. If you wanted to identify grown-ups (as defined in the link) on OKCupid and/or to present yourself as a grown-up, how would you do it?
Ha. I have I bad habit of using the word “grown-ups” approximately the way the author of that article does—to refer to people who are mature, capable, and at least somewhat self-aware. I call it a bad habit because it’s pretty rude to adults who do not meet that description, and they are not necessarily bad people who deserve to be insulted. But in any case, it made the headline make instant sense to me.
!! This was one of the first things on my list of relationship axes (various spectra of traits that are important in a partner). It’s good to hear I’m not the only one who thinks so. In general, this list is a great answer to the brainstorm I started in the OKC discussion thread.
That’s a great link; thanks. I’m already familiar with a lot of those ideas these days; I wish I had been two years ago.
One way to find grown-ups would be to watch out for red flags which indicate not-grown-up. I dated someone for a while who always talked like his hands were tied by circumstance—lots of “I can’t,” very little acknowledgement that he had agency. I found it really irritating because it made it seem like he couldn’t deal with obstacles in everyday life. That’s a non-grown-up trait.
But of course, the same guy was also really good at communicating clearly, expressing needs, and respecting boundaries. (I still remember the obligatory pre-first-sex conversation: “Shall we get the safety talk out of the way?” “Sure. I’ve been exposed to x but do not have it, was tested y long ago, and have done z since then.” “Okay. I’ve done …” etc.) In that sense he was really a pleasure to have as a partner, and very much a grown-up.
This reminds me of Havi Brooks’s theory of kosher marketing, which goes roughly “anyone who self-markets less than you is too timid, and anyone who self-markets more than you is obnoxious.” You can apply it to a lot of things. “Anyone who’s tidier than you is a neat freak; anyone who’s messier than you is a slob.” Including, of course, being a grown-up. “Anyone who’s more mature than you is parsimonious (or condescending); anyone who’s less mature than you is a child.” It’s not so much two boxes as a spectrum; perhaps the right goal is just to find someone who’s about as mature as you are. That way neither of you is a “child” to the other.
I’m not sure there’s a way to determine that before you know someone fairly well, though. You could probably devise a set of questions to evaluate it, but they’d have to be subtle, and still might only tell you what the person aspires to be. But that’s not useless information. Good questions, I suspect, would reveal by the person’s willingness to discuss them than by the answers—like the sex discussion above. That he maintains safe practices spoke well of him, to be sure, but the really good sign was that he was happy to discuss that openly.