So a while ago someone told me I was codependent. “What?” I thought, “that doesn’t sound right; I’m if anything insufficiently dependent on others”. But as it turns out codependency is a bit like neuroticism: 90% of normal people exhibit these traits because it’s how humans normally function in social groups. They’re adaptive behaviors that keep our society functional because, I’ll claim, without them you need to do a lot of self-work in order to still be a member of society in good standing because the easy alternative to overcoming them is to become a pseudo-sociopath (think wolf-in-sheep’s-clothing type situations where a person is a highly agentic bad actor willing to do unethical things behind the scenes to get their way because they don’t worry enough about what other people will think).
Worrying a lot about imposing on others is a “symptom” of healthy levels of codependency/neuroticism. It’s not healthy globally, but it helps prop up a local maximum that works well for a large number of people.
There are alternatives, but getting there without becoming a pseudo-sociopath requires doing lots of ethical training and having a commitment to being a good actor even though you aren’t psychologically compelled to be one by being trapped by your own worries.
So I put this out there because I think it’s possible to do what you suggest and in fact I’d say I try to do this, but it only works well so long as the person acting this way has something in place to help them remain a pro-social actor. Unfortunately it’s too easy to do what you suggest in an anti-social way, hence why I think most people find it hard to consider it as a reasonable course of action.
This is a bit of a tangent, but highly related.
So a while ago someone told me I was codependent. “What?” I thought, “that doesn’t sound right; I’m if anything insufficiently dependent on others”. But as it turns out codependency is a bit like neuroticism: 90% of normal people exhibit these traits because it’s how humans normally function in social groups. They’re adaptive behaviors that keep our society functional because, I’ll claim, without them you need to do a lot of self-work in order to still be a member of society in good standing because the easy alternative to overcoming them is to become a pseudo-sociopath (think wolf-in-sheep’s-clothing type situations where a person is a highly agentic bad actor willing to do unethical things behind the scenes to get their way because they don’t worry enough about what other people will think).
Worrying a lot about imposing on others is a “symptom” of healthy levels of codependency/neuroticism. It’s not healthy globally, but it helps prop up a local maximum that works well for a large number of people.
There are alternatives, but getting there without becoming a pseudo-sociopath requires doing lots of ethical training and having a commitment to being a good actor even though you aren’t psychologically compelled to be one by being trapped by your own worries.
So I put this out there because I think it’s possible to do what you suggest and in fact I’d say I try to do this, but it only works well so long as the person acting this way has something in place to help them remain a pro-social actor. Unfortunately it’s too easy to do what you suggest in an anti-social way, hence why I think most people find it hard to consider it as a reasonable course of action.