The problem your trying to solve is not how to change your mother’s beliefs. Your problem is how to communicate that she’s making you feel negatively and if the two of you are going to have a relationship she needs to change her behaviour.
Trying to have a system 2 scientific discussion with your mother in this scenario is playing water polo with a lead ball. You may go in with a clear head and a scientific argument and manage to throw the ball. But 3 sentences in and you’re both going to be below water, having an emotional system 1 conversation.
What is an emotional conversation? It’s a conversation in which:
The goals of the participants are not actually to present facts or reasoning about the world (e.g “homeopathy does not do the things you claim and here’s why”), but to communicate how the actions of another makes them feel (“when I say that homeopathy is not for me but you push it on me it makes me feel disrespected and frustrated”)
The skills needed to facilitate the conversation are less reasoning and language skills, and more being able to express how your feeling in realtime, communicate you boundaries, being sensitive to how the other person is feeling without taking responsibility for it, and be vulnerable if that’s appropriate.
This is all easier said than done, especially when it comes to family. Some things you can do to practice a conversation like this:
Have it in your head, and imagine your mother saying whatever would maximally trigger you and how you might respond with emotion communication and boundry setting. (“I feel disrespected” → “it’s not my fault you won’t see the light of homeopathy” → “now I’m feeling like you don’t care that you’re making me feel this way”)
Role play with a therapist or trusted friend. Some universities or work places offer free therapists that could help you if you’re insurance won’t cover it.
Read books on the subject like “non violent communication”
This is a good strategy, and I agree I need to upgrade my communication skills. Thank you so much!
Have it in your head, and imagine your mother saying whatever would maximally trigger you and how you might respond with emotion communication and boundary setting. (“I feel disrespected” → “it’s not my fault you won’t see the light of homeopathy” → “now I’m feeling like you don’t care that you’re making me feel this way”)
Good call. I lose my cool very rarely, usually I’m just not responding to the triggers like “you’re a coward” which makes me look better in the overall pictures (like I’m not the mean one). Upping my game a little will be for the best.
The problem your trying to solve is not how to change your mother’s beliefs. Your problem is how to communicate that she’s making you feel negatively and if the two of you are going to have a relationship she needs to change her behaviour.
Trying to have a system 2 scientific discussion with your mother in this scenario is playing water polo with a lead ball. You may go in with a clear head and a scientific argument and manage to throw the ball. But 3 sentences in and you’re both going to be below water, having an emotional system 1 conversation.
What is an emotional conversation? It’s a conversation in which:
The goals of the participants are not actually to present facts or reasoning about the world (e.g “homeopathy does not do the things you claim and here’s why”), but to communicate how the actions of another makes them feel (“when I say that homeopathy is not for me but you push it on me it makes me feel disrespected and frustrated”)
The skills needed to facilitate the conversation are less reasoning and language skills, and more being able to express how your feeling in realtime, communicate you boundaries, being sensitive to how the other person is feeling without taking responsibility for it, and be vulnerable if that’s appropriate.
This is all easier said than done, especially when it comes to family. Some things you can do to practice a conversation like this:
Have it in your head, and imagine your mother saying whatever would maximally trigger you and how you might respond with emotion communication and boundry setting. (“I feel disrespected” → “it’s not my fault you won’t see the light of homeopathy” → “now I’m feeling like you don’t care that you’re making me feel this way”)
Role play with a therapist or trusted friend. Some universities or work places offer free therapists that could help you if you’re insurance won’t cover it.
Read books on the subject like “non violent communication”
Good luck my friend!
This is a good strategy, and I agree I need to upgrade my communication skills. Thank you so much!
Good call. I lose my cool very rarely, usually I’m just not responding to the triggers like “you’re a coward” which makes me look better in the overall pictures (like I’m not the mean one). Upping my game a little will be for the best.