And this led me to wonder if it really is mostly about community, experiences, relationships, wanting to provide imagined “snapshots” of parties and fun for our kids as they go through these various rituals, etc.
Yes, of course that is what it is about. Due to past survival advantages these social conventions and connections are tied to our sense of security. By trying to convince her that her faith is wrong, from her perspective you threaten her safety and the safety of her children.
Explicitly identify your goals and rank them. Do you want to achieve your own peace on the topic? Do you want to convince your wife that her faith is wrong? Do you want to stay in this marriage? Do you want your children to grow up as atheists? Ranking your goals is important; you may have to make short term compromises to achieve greater long term successes.
Identify behavior that will help or hurt these goals. If you want your wife to feel secure in the marriage you may have to avoid telling her why her religious beliefs are misguided. If you want to maximize your influence over your children’s beliefs you may have to negotiate with your wife; if they go to church with her then perhaps they also get matching rationality training from you.
Behave purposefully; have a goal in mind when you interact with your wife and with other people. When you have a goal in mind it is easier to avoid defensive reactions and much more likely that you will achieve the desired result.
By trying to convince her that her faith is wrong, from her perspective you threaten her safety and the safety of her children.
Indeed, though difficult to abstain from. I should keep this point in mind more, though.
Explicitly identify your goals and rank them.
This post and comments/discussion has quite renewed me in this area. Concretely, I am re-determined to read at least the core sequences and finish the initial books (and, consequently, goal) I set for myself HERE as well as finalize and “publish” (to blog or PDF) my statement of nonbelief started HERE.
The others are good questions—I’m assuming they are rhetorical, but I do want to stay in the marriage and would like to raise my children to be aware of trusted and proven tools of learning, universal truths, etc., without much about the supernatural debate at all, frankly. While perhaps difficult to do, this has struck me as the most reasonable and decent thing to do. I don’t want them to be “indoctrinated” atheists any more than I want them to be “indoctrinated” anything-elses.
When the time comes that they have the mental capacity and interest to pursue that question… let them pursue it. My hope for them is that they find their own answer that satisfies and is found with a reliable set of tools.
When you have a goal in mind it is easier to avoid defensive reactions and much more likely that you will achieve the desired result.
Thanks for that encouragement and for the comments in general.
Yes, of course that is what it is about. Due to past survival advantages these social conventions and connections are tied to our sense of security. By trying to convince her that her faith is wrong, from her perspective you threaten her safety and the safety of her children.
Fortunately you are not constrained by WWJD and can engage in some instrumental rationality.
Explicitly identify your goals and rank them. Do you want to achieve your own peace on the topic? Do you want to convince your wife that her faith is wrong? Do you want to stay in this marriage? Do you want your children to grow up as atheists? Ranking your goals is important; you may have to make short term compromises to achieve greater long term successes.
Identify behavior that will help or hurt these goals. If you want your wife to feel secure in the marriage you may have to avoid telling her why her religious beliefs are misguided. If you want to maximize your influence over your children’s beliefs you may have to negotiate with your wife; if they go to church with her then perhaps they also get matching rationality training from you.
Behave purposefully; have a goal in mind when you interact with your wife and with other people. When you have a goal in mind it is easier to avoid defensive reactions and much more likely that you will achieve the desired result.
Indeed, though difficult to abstain from. I should keep this point in mind more, though.
This post and comments/discussion has quite renewed me in this area. Concretely, I am re-determined to read at least the core sequences and finish the initial books (and, consequently, goal) I set for myself HERE as well as finalize and “publish” (to blog or PDF) my statement of nonbelief started HERE.
The others are good questions—I’m assuming they are rhetorical, but I do want to stay in the marriage and would like to raise my children to be aware of trusted and proven tools of learning, universal truths, etc., without much about the supernatural debate at all, frankly. While perhaps difficult to do, this has struck me as the most reasonable and decent thing to do. I don’t want them to be “indoctrinated” atheists any more than I want them to be “indoctrinated” anything-elses.
When the time comes that they have the mental capacity and interest to pursue that question… let them pursue it. My hope for them is that they find their own answer that satisfies and is found with a reliable set of tools.
Thanks for that encouragement and for the comments in general.