I found Kevin Simmler’s observation that an apology is a status lowering to be very helpful. In particular, it gives you a good way to tell if you made an apology properly—do you feel lower status?
I think that even if you take the advice in this post you can make non-apologies if you don’t manage to make yourself lower your own status. Bits of the script that are therefore important:
Being honest about the explanation, especially if it’s embarassing.
Emphasise explanations that attribute agency to you—“I just didn’t think about it” is bad for this reason.
Not being too calm and clinical about the process—this suggests that it’s unimportant.
This also means that weird dramatic stuff can be good if it actaully makes you lower your status. If falling to your knees and embracing the person’s legs will be perceived as lowering your status rather than funny, then maybe that will help.
Dogeza is a good illustration of this; this is the traditional Serious Anime Apology (probably it is also a traditional Serious Japanese Apology but in point of fact I have only ever seen it in anime so I’ll stick to what I know) in which you kneel and then prostrate yourself fully, so that all four of your limbs and your head are on the ground.
I found Kevin Simmler’s observation that an apology is a status lowering to be very helpful. In particular, it gives you a good way to tell if you made an apology properly—do you feel lower status?
I think that even if you take the advice in this post you can make non-apologies if you don’t manage to make yourself lower your own status. Bits of the script that are therefore important:
Being honest about the explanation, especially if it’s embarassing.
Emphasise explanations that attribute agency to you—“I just didn’t think about it” is bad for this reason.
Not being too calm and clinical about the process—this suggests that it’s unimportant.
This also means that weird dramatic stuff can be good if it actaully makes you lower your status. If falling to your knees and embracing the person’s legs will be perceived as lowering your status rather than funny, then maybe that will help.
I’d add that the desire to hear apologies is itself a disguised status-grabbing move, and it’s prudent to stay wary of it.
Dogeza is a good illustration of this; this is the traditional Serious Anime Apology (probably it is also a traditional Serious Japanese Apology but in point of fact I have only ever seen it in anime so I’ll stick to what I know) in which you kneel and then prostrate yourself fully, so that all four of your limbs and your head are on the ground.